emotions aren't like board games, so stop playing with mine!

well well well, hasn't it been for-fucking-ever?! so high school is fun. but god! complication much?!

i'll be breif but start from the begining; there is this really hot guy in my math class who i liked, then he got a girlfriend and i got over him pretty fast and started liking this other guy, who, as it tured out, liked me too. so at the dance he asked me to dance in the third slow song. then i had to go before the next one. so we talked a lot on msn and stuff, but we are both really shy. and then a week or so later he thought i stopped liking me at the same time i thought he stopped liking me, but with the help of two of our friends we got that straightened out. but now it seems like that again, and i told one of my friends that i was worried and he said that he told him that he was 'iffy' about it! is it because he doesn't think i still like him? because i do, and both the people who are helping know that! god what does 'iffy' even mean?! i wish it was as simple as yes or no! none of this in the middle shit! i like him. simple as that. i like him a lot! so i told my other friend who's helping what he said and she said that she was going to talk to him tomorrow, so i guess it might get straightened out? maybe not for the best though... but all we can do is hope. i was going to ask him myself today, but right when i got the guts to he signed off :( and of course i can't ask him in person. because i'm a coward. so i don't know what to do anymore...
lauraa.xx !

kay, what was it?

kay, weird thing just happened. SHORTEST TIME LIKING SOMONE EVER! i realized we're too good friends. it's just weird to like him. maybe i just wanted to like someone so bad, and he was the best option.. but the truth is, i never really liked him.. sure he's hot, and nice and funny. but we could never date.. he's too mean to me! haha. but i mean school's tomorrow, so i think i can wait! haha.

so more degrassi stuff. i'm gonna be honest with you, i'm addicted! haha. but ugh! the end of this episode totally shocked me! but i'm not gonna ruin it don't worry haha. but i was watching this stpuid old show, that was actually really funny. it's called ' i was a sixth grade alien ' do you remember it? haha. well it's weird cause like the whole cast was on degrassi! haha.

soo school tomorrow! I'm soo excited to see how people are going to react to my dramatic change haha. see you then!

laura.xx !

ahaha sorry.

this is kind of a rewrite of last night's blog. i was in a rush to go to bed. so i'll explain what happened and what i meant. so i'll just start over.

i kinda sorta wish i could hear your voice, i kinda sorta wish you didn't have to leave, i kinda sorta wish you didn't care i was so loud, i kinda sorta wish i gave you a hug before you left, i kinda sorta wish i saw you more often, i kinda sorta wish you were here beside me, because i kinda sorta have a thing for you...

so last night i was just in my mom's room watching tv, and stephanie and one of our other friends came to my door, and we went out. we went to this giant gazibo (sp?) near my house and some other people came later. it was weird how fast people came out of no where. haha so anyway, then he came and i didn't know at this point. i'm not entirely sure when i started to like him, but somewhere during the night, i wanted to get closer to him. so the gazibo is right beside this restrant/bar and we were LOUD and talking about sex and stuff and we were all laughing and stuff and i think that the people probably thought we were drunk/high cause people go there to get drunk and high, but we wern't. so he kept saying stuff like 'do you not notice the people over there.. staring?' haha but it was really funny. well he has to go and i was kinda dissapointed, but i still had fun.

i still don't know if he should know. i mean if he doesn't like me i don't want to mess up our friendship.. idk what to do :S HELP!

laura.xx !

i kind sorta...

i kinda sorta wish i could hear your voice, i kinda sorta wish you didn't have to leave, i kinda sorta wish you didn't care i was so loud, i kinda sorta wish i gave you a hug before you left, i kinda sorta wish i saw you more often, i kinda sorta wish you were here beside me, because i kinda sorta have a thing for you...

okay guys, it's been about two weeks, it was fun, but guess what?! i like someone! i know shocker right? haha well it's kinda good, but also kinda bad. i guess i'm just asking too much. and no, i'm not talking about wanting edward cullen. haha, though i wish i could meet someone like him, let's face it girls, not every shiny silver volvo you see is going to pull up beside you while you're getting cat calls from random strangers, and the doors aren't going to open to reveil an impossibly gorgeous vampire there to save your day (now i say not every one, cause there's always that hope!) haha well what i meant was that i wanted someone i went to school with, but also someone who lived near me. but that's kind of a rediculious request. so i decided someone who lived close was what i wanted more. so i guess that's what's good about it. he lives close. the bad thing is.. he's kinda.. my best friend's cousion..

i mean she was the first person i told, and she seems cool with it, and i'm sure she is. it's just gonna be weird, cause i would feel awkward talking about him to her. which i do a lot with my crushes. but i can deal. i just don't know if he should know i like him, or if it'll just pass :S

anyway i should go to bed, i just had to let you guys know my blog might get intresting again! haha

laura.xx !

lost in staples ?

haha so todday was regestration, and it was soo funny. there were literally like four other people regestering when i went. it was like at the end so everyone went in the day i guess. so it took us like less than 20 minutes. i found my locker, and it's kind of messed up. like the bottom shelf is all dented :( oh well. so then i went to the mall, and it was pretty fun haha. i got two pairs of skinnies (i was soo close to getting hot pink ones) and a hoodie from urban planet, and a $50 element backpack from boathouse. haha! then i went to staples and i had noo idea what to get :S so my mom and sister-in-law-to-be told me stuff i needed, so i'm talking to anna now about what i didn't get.

SCHOOL TUESDAY!! I'm finially excited! haha. ugh ugh uhg. i wish we could skip tomorrow!! then it'll be the weekend and something good is happening. then skip monday then SCHOOL :D!!!! haha sorry. i guess i was worried about regestration more than high school itself. ahhhh! and OH! MY! GOD!!!! hottt boy! lmao i saw a hot guy that is in grade nine, and one that is in grade 11 :D hahaha. sorry, i'm pumped! i'm gonna go now though.

laura.xx !

ahhh :'(

why are people so horrible? i'm already stressed enough, i really don't need this! okay so here's what's going on. there's this girl, who's turning into arden! and i really don't want to fight with her, i don't want to be her friend right now either, but i just don't want us to be horrible to eachother. because i know what she can do. she's friends with one of my best friends, i don't want to get her in the middle of it. i'm not gonna bitch about her to my friend.. or anyone. cause i don't care. but she might. and she might fuck up one of the best friendships i've ever had!

kay sorry, i just had to vent. i've been crying for like half an hour already.

my heart is pretty fast pase, can you keep up?

err, even my dreams are reminisant of the past! it was weird, i don't really remember it, all i remember is that it was me and stephanie and some random guy, and we were in the parking lot of my new school, but our old teachers were there. it was weird. so last night i couldn't get to sleep, so i scavenged my medicine cabnett and ccan you believe we don't have any cough syrup (don't care how unhealithy that is) and i looked up sleeping techniques and one was counting backwards from 100, and that actually worked, but the weird thing was what i pictured. kay so when we were in girls inc, we did this thing where we would relax and picture ourselves in a place we feel safe. mine was a forest in plymouth, england i saw on tv once, i just added a swing. and when i was counting back i pictured myself there and it really worked. it was cool.

kay sorry but i'm going to be a total fag, but this has been bothering me for half an hour. i am a closet degrassi fan ahaha, so anyway i just saw a new episode and.. kay well i'll tell you what happened in the last episode if you don't watch, this girl emma is dating this really hot guy paul (who used to be really ugly but now he's like BAM hot) but she kind of had a thing for his best friend sean. so emma told paul about it, and he got really pissed (obviously). the next day the principal (aka paul's mom) got a tip that sean had pot in his locker. so she searched and it was there and sean got expelled even though he said it wasn't his (pfft, who would believe him) so then emma was talking to sean and he said he thought that paul did it, so after school paul went up to emma and appologized for freaking out, and she forgave him, and they started talking about sean and emma said that he thought paul did it, and paul said he didn't. so then it went to sean who was in a garage working on a csr with this other dude, and the other dude said he should race paul, so he did but when he hit the nos he lost control and hit someone. and sean went to jail cause he's 18, and paul got house arrest and comunity service cause he's 17 i think. so today i was watching, and paul found his keys that his mom hid, and he was going to drive emma home, but she got kind of mad so she left, but after she told him to go to the mascarade party. so he bought her this really cool mast and left it in her locker. so at the dance he had to dress as a gorilla. so she was talking to this girl and told her that paul bought her the mask and left it in her locker and the girl was like ' you told him your combination? ' and emma said ' no? ' then she took paul to her locker and took off his mask and told him to open her locker and he said he needed the combination and she said ' i thought you had it ' and he said he wrote it down and she was like ' from where? ' and he explained that his mom had them all in her office and he got it there. and she asked if he planted the pot in sean's locker and he said that what he did was to keep him together. and she left him?! like wtf?! sean is a loser anyway i hate him! and paul is sweet, and really hot! ugh, kay i know it's probably not that new. but still i just saw it.

kay so the tittle, it's pretty simple. i realized i loose intrest in guys pretty fast. so i guess that things have to be intresting for me to stay around ahaha. idk it's weird :P

kay well no songs, pictures, or quotes today, sorry.

laura.xx !

when i needed a friend, i had no one, why does he come back now?

for most people, school has already started, which makes it boring through the days. which goes without saying, i have a lot of time to think. even to write. and a song at that, which i never do. it's probably not that good, so i probably won't put it up unless one of my friends like beggs lmao. i kind of wish my school has started already, i'm sick of waiting! it's killing me! plus i need someone else to like, it's weird. i know it's stupid that i hate not liking anyone, but that's just who i am :P


so with the fast aproach of my future all my memories start flooding in. This summer was meerly a steping stone to the rest of my life and as it turns to fall, the stepping stone begins to wobble, i have to be brave and leap. okay, enough cheesy medephores. but seriously, i really don't want to let go of my past. it seems that going to a high school with two people from my old school is a lot different than going to a high school with everyone you went to school with. i guess living in a small town pretty much my whole life, that's what i've started to expect. but that dream is out of reach i guess you could say..


when i think of leaving the past just that, in the past. i think of things that will never be the same, mostly friendships, great ones, weird ones, funny ones, i even kind of miss the friendship i had with arden. but one came to mind suspiciously when i started thinking about my childhood. one i left behind ages ago, one that was better than any other no matter how lame people might think it is. but when you're someone like me, sometimes it's the best you've got, and sometimes that's just what you need. his name was victor. he had spikey black hair, pale skin, red eyes and fangs. he was my imaginary friend vampire. he lived in my basement. he was so cool! he could fly, hang upside down, and always make me smile. i vividly remember the day i stopped believing. i had been best friends with this girl, aron, for about two months, and we were really bad. we were always together, and think of when you were really little, remember thoes boys who would pull your pigtails in kindergarden who spent their recesses chazing girls and coming up with new ways to torment the teachers? well that was us, only we went to different schools. but we were the terrors of our neighbourhood. i thought it was stupid to believe in something so incrediable unrealistic. whenever i was trying to sleep, and i heard a twig on my window or something that i used to think was victor, i would just roll over and banish the thought. kind of funny huh? i wanted to be a vampire before it was cool. haha. but i miss my childhood, and this big leap i'm going to be taking on thurday (regestration) into a world so different from what i used to want to break out of. is it normal to be this depressed realizing a dream?



Songs of the day;


paper bag princess - hello kelly


old school - hedly


check yes juliet - we the kings


photos of the day;

Quote of the day;

Cause if you jump I will jump too We will fall together From the building's ledge Never looking back at what we've done We'll say it was love Cause I would die for you On skyway avenue So what's left to prove We have made it through

- we the kings

laura.xx !

she's just a loaner with a sexy aditude :)

so i'm single, but i'll talk about that leter, it has to do with the title.

sorry it's been so long, i've been a little busy. i finished new moon, and i'm starting eclips asap :) i just need to get it lol. i also completly redid my whore myspace (if you don't have it you don't know what it really means, if you do have myspace add it myspace.com/thisisthescene_xx) i redid my about me, and there's one part i want to share with you guys. ' i guess nothing i've said has made me unique, i've heard i am, but the truth is i couldn't tell you what about me is unique. i'm just a typical teenage girl. i'm going to dye my hair five different colours, get peircings my parents won't aprove of, and get a tatoo they will eventually find out about. ' go ahead, quote me if you want :P

soo school in a week and two days huh? i'm really not excited. i was, and i wasn't nervous at all, but i kind of am now. like i don't know who i'm going to be sharing my locker with (which wouldn't be a problem if someone didn't ditch me *hint hint*) and in high school cliques are aparently really important, and i don't really fit in with any of my friends that are going to my high school. so i'm going to have to find a whole new group of friends chances are. it's scarry, starting all over. i'm not worried about the work. i'm sure that's not going to be that much of a problem, it's just that i have to share a locker with someone i don't know. someone i might end up hating. i've been looking forward to high school my whole life.. until i started to miss grade eight. started to miss the people i'll never see again. oh well it's too late to go back now :( what a shame.

okay, so to my title. it's actually pretty indepth. it has soo many different reasons why it's perfect for me right now. number one; it's part of one of my favourite songs (which too is so indepth why it's perfect for me) five colours in her hair - mcfly. number two; it describes my relationship status. like i said, i broke up with david, but the funny thing is, i stopped liking the other guy too. it's weird. but i'm totally over both. for once i don't like anyone and i like it. i'm totally alone, and i love it! number three; high school. i have this weird feeling that i'm going to be a loaner, for at least a little while until i make new friends, (btw i love my two friends from grade eight who are going to high school with me to death, i just don't fit in with you guys really) but being a loaner isn't going to change me. i'm still going to be the same lauraa you have grown to love :)

songs of the day;

five colours in her hair - mcfly.

transylvania - mcfly.

monster techno remix - meg & dia.

pictures of the day;

quote of the day;

I think we dream so we aren't apart as long. As long as we're in each others dream's, we can play together.
- Calvin and Hobbes

if something is perfect.. shouldn't it stay that way?

sorry it's been so long. i've had a lot on my mind and when i went to new brunswick i couldn't post because my dad's computer is so slow! i also had a lot of stuff going on like i found out my friend died in october (i don't want condolence, it's just an explination) and just a lot of stuff.
so anyway, in new brunwick i stayed around the house a lot and read. i read kissing kate which is really good. and i finially read twilight. it only took three days :). i love that book! we also watched a bunch of movies. like at least one every night. i'm not sure if i can remember them all, but i'll try. batman begins, die hard, live free or die hard, national treasure, national treasure 2, shoot 'em up, over the hedge, dooms day (which i hated!!) and 21 (which i loved) so over all it was pretty fun. i even got along with my brothers. i only got mad once, when they were making fun of people who cut themselves, which you must know i feel strongly about.
so i got home on friday nigh/saturday morning. and i went to the fair saturday. i went with emily and her friend who i don't like! then i left them to hang out with steph. and we hung out with different people. it was really fun! it had a ride that was just a big loop that you go around and around and we went on it so many times! usually in the front :) they also had a haunted house. it was fun during the day, but at night there was this guy with a creepy mask and a chain saw and me and stephanie screamed soo much she lost her voice and i almost did. i slept over at her house and it was so fun! then i went home and things took a bad turn.
it started yesterday. as you know i have a boyfriend who i love.. but i stated to like someone else.. i know i'm such a whore, and i feel horrible!! i just don't know if i should tell david.. and if i do how. and well i have to.. but idk.. it's so hard! i have to talk to stephanie before i do anything, but i don't know her new number!! this is so hard!! what should i do? ahh, i need help :( all this stress is making me sick!
laura.x !

something as fun and great as you, can only get me into trouble..

sorry i haven't posted in a while, it's been pretty chaotic around here lately. as i pridicted, my brothers have managed to piss me off at least once everyday they were here. yesterday it was my brother, danny's, brithday. he's the only brother that i actually like. he's nice. i wonder were he gets it?! anyway, so i was actually having a good time with my family for once! haha, anyway, my brother jesse, who is one of the ones who lives with me, started being a total dick to me. out of no where! he started making for me being a vegi, which he never does, and he was trying to make me look like an idoit and trying to embarass me! it's weird because he only does this in the summer. when he's around all of my brothers. it's like he tries to impress them! it's so gay! like they're his brothers! who really gives a shit if they think you're cool! just by belittling someone else! i hate him more than ryan (the brother that i fight with more than becca and paul did) because ryan is actually like that, it's just who he is. Jesse changes himself to be like that! ugh! it's so annoying! i can't wait until he moves out! i'm not even going to miss him!!

ok so moving on, my title. today my mother got my cell bill! yikes! my phone was $200! i got in soo much trouble because i started arguing with her about it because she said that once i get a job i have to pay for my own phone bill which is totally unfair because jesse had a job and he didn't have to pay! she said that we both get free phones for the same amount of time! but that's not fair! the time that i had a free phone i was unemployed and had no money. jesse had a job and had lots of money! it' s so no fair! ugh! tell me, do you agree?

so on saturday i finially got up the courage to say it, i finially told david that i love him. i came up with the cheesiest way to say it too :P so like i said before, i have become obsessed with post-it note art and hardcore emo drawings. well my banner is on my wall and when i was making it i ran out of post-it notes, later that night/morning i decided that i really would feel weird having that on my wall unless he loved me back. so i told him i had something to tell/show him. and i turned my webcam on and said : 'k it says love, but i can't finish it until i know how you feel.. As much as I hate to be the first one to say it, and mean it, especially if you don’t feel the same way, I have to be honest with you, I have to tell you that I love you David.' then i told him not to say it if he didn't mean it. but he did, and i couldn't stop smiling!

now for something a little random. i am so sick of just sitting around. i want summer to be more exciting i want to travel! so here are the top three places i want to go:

london

paris

tokio

i would really love to go to a big city like thoes. i'd also love to go to new york! big cities really excite me! maybe it's the rush of the trafic, or the crowded streets, or the great stores, or the redicusly tall buildings. who knows, maybe it's the danger of living somewhere so crime filled, maybe it's the luxury of living somewhere someone's actually heard of. haha. well what ever it is, it's amazing! but the closest i've ever been to a big glamourous city is ottawa. but maybe one day, right?

Laura.xx !

you hide behind one of my best friends because you trust them more than me?!

so apparently i'm not trust worthy! i just found out that one of my friends doesn't trust me. and i'm not even trust worthy enough to know who doesn't trust me. ok i was talking to one of my best friends, and something happened that i'm not going to get into, but then there was a secret he wanted to tell me that one of my other best friends couldn't know, but the person who told him said that i couldn't know. and i was fine with that because to be honest i couldn't care less what the secret was. then he said that she said that i couldn't know because i would tell the person who can't know. wtf?! unless it was something that she needed to know i wouldn't tell! i kept a suprize party from one of my ex best friends! why would this be any different?! so i just wanted to know who it was, because don't you think that i deserve to know who doesn't trust me?! well i guess not, because i wasn't even allowed to be told who it was! like coward much!? so i guess i just can't trust anyone, because how am i supposed to trust someone who can't trust me?! ugh, this really bothers me. i never knew people thought i just told everyone everything!! UGH!! fuck. i hate this.

anyway, now that that's out of the way, i want to talk about something else. i'm sure you have noticed the changes in my blog. the new pictures i mean. i hope you like them :) i took them all myself. both of the ones made out of post-it notes are made by me and are actually on my bedroom walls. and the cons are actually mine. i actually drew it. :D i'm proud of myself. i will probably have some more soon. i have taken up drawing. well more like doodling. i have a sketch book that is like my life. it has plans, drawings, quotes, reminders, and deep thoughts.

for the past three days i have been totally obsessed with post-it note are and hardcore emo drawings. i forgot how boring summer really is. i have been staying home... like a lot. with all of my friends either busy with something else, living too far away, on vacation, at camp or in a fight with me, i have no one to hang out with. well next week david is finished his CIT training, so we're gonna do something.. i think we're going to the movies.. not sure though.. well it doesn't really matter what we do, as long as we're together <3

as my boredom of summer continues, as i have been writing this blog all day, my brothers are all now here. i live with two, and my other two are here for two weeks. they arived about an hour ago. i like one of them. but not the other. me and him fight worse than paul and becca (if you were a loyal reader back then). the first thing he said to me was "you're sopiled!" what a loving brother huh? this is going to be an intresting three weeks. (because i'm going to my dad's for a week and a half). as you must know, i'm secene and vegi. my brother is anti emo/scene kids, and he's just generally a dick. i'm still contemplating telling him i have a boyfriend. he'll probably find out anyway, just if i say it, it'll just make me look like a bitch.. which i have no problem with.

so as for my plans for the summer:

my party : july 26 - 27

new brunswick : july 27 - august 8

fair : august 9

ater that i got nothing. i hope your summer's more exciting than mine. share your plans ?

Laura.xx !

because i've missed you, ever since i had to turn around and say "good bye"

so on sunday i went to the mall with emily, david, and one of emily's friends. it was kind of awkward at first because, to be honnest, it was the first time that we have seen eachother since we started dating. it was a little frustrating because it took him an hour and a half for him to hold my hand. but once we did he did, it was as though it was magical. Even though it was just a simple gesture, it was still adorable how it happened.
we were sitting on this couch by toys r us. i had my left hand on my knee, and he had his right hand in the small space between our leggs. he reached his pinkey out to grab mine, we looked at eachother, then back to our hands, then back to eachother. we both knew we wanted it, so he grabbed my hand. i smiled, but i could feel myself blushing, i had to look away. when i could feel the redness in my cheeks going away, i looked back, only to see him gazing at me. i felt the blood imediatly rush back, but this time i didn't care. our eyes met and neither of us broke the stare until we had to.
it wasn't long before we were finially left alone. it was nice to get to be with just him. we looked deep into eachothers eyes, we slowly got closer and closer. our noses touched, and our cheeks brushed. he parted his lips, and i thought that he was going to kiss me. instead he gently blew on my lips. i didn't know what to do. i wanted to kiss him! i wanted him to kiss me. we moved closer yet, our lips almost met, until i heard her voice "laura! it's four, we have to go." i hate thoes words. we pulled away and looked at eachother, both knowing that we didn't want it to end. we stood and started walking down the hall hand in hand. he broke the silience when he quietly said in the sweetest tone "laura, you're amazing." i looked back up at him and sumply said "you're more amazing."
when we got outside we had caught up to the others, but we fell behind again. i went to give him a hug, when i pulled away i looked into his eyes, he leaned in closer, and i stood on my tippy toes.. *btw if you want to skip the 'messy' details, skip the rest of this paragraph* as my lips melted into his soft, full lips i felt on top of the world. it was the most amazing kiss i had ever had. he slightly parted his lips to let my bottom one slide in, and when we closed his mouth it was gently pushed back out. he did the same with my top lip, and i just melted in his arms. if he wasn't there supporting me, i would have fallen over. when we finished i didn't want to let go, but i knew that i had to. it was so hard to walk away, i thought i was going to cry. but i didn't.
yesterday me, steph, david and all of our friend went to the mall. just like last time, it took a long time for him to do anything other than staring at eachother. this time just about everything that we did was because of stephanie. we ran into a store and as we were looking at the clothes, i told her that i hoped that it wasn't like last time. i wanted to hold his hand, but we both knew that i wasn't going to make the fist move. she asked if she could make us, and i said i didn't care. so when we left the store, david and i were standing next to eachother, and she said "HOLD HANDS!" i just laughed, looked at him and he grabbed my hand. it was really sweet.
once our friend left, we were sitting on this bench and we were looking deeply into eachothers eyes, and we slowly got closer and closer but stephanie just ruined the moment by saying "if you're gonna kiss just do it!" i looked at her, then back at him and laughed. he just shrugged and leaned in closer to my lips. *once again, might want to skip* it started the same as last time, our lips gently touched, he 'sucked' (if you will) on my bottom lip, then the top, then he oppened his mouth, and i was afraid that he was going to try to make out with me. but he just kissed me again. this one lasted a lot longer.
unfortunately we really pissed stephanie off a few times. we went back to the couches where we almost had our first kiss, and we kissed again, a lot. and some little kids were staring at us the whole time. but we didn't care. it was special, nothing could have ruined it. we were supposed to leave at 8:20, but we 'missed the bus' and stayed until 10. but the mall closed at nine, so we hung out outside of the mall for an hour. it was so much fun. i just wish i didn't have to say good bye..
Laura.xx !
p.s. if you were wondering why i was afraid that he was going to try to make out with me, it's because i've never done it before. i mean he knows that, i just like him so much that i don't want fuck it up!
p.p.s. i know the way that i worded how he kissed me is weird, but i didn't know how else to describe it!! :P

as the clock struck midnight, my heart skipped a beat..

ahh! happiest day of my life so far. i think it could be love. i mean it is more than just a crush. because he's already the boy, i can call my boyfriend♥
i guess it's time for me to fill in some missing details. his name is david. he is the sweetest living person. and i'm falling in love with him! call me a hipocrit because i said that love is stupid, and that it was impossible at our age, i don't care, it's true.
i guess it all became clear to me on the weekend that love has no age. love is something that is just there. it just happens. you can't control it. you could find true love at 5 or 50. sometimes it's someone you never expected yourself to be with, but sometimes it's with someone you could totally picture yourself with.
maybe i should stop going on about stuff i don't even know anything about huh ? and just move onto how it happened. so as you may know, he's in carolina, and he can't go on msn. but i love facebook chat, because he can go on that!
Laura: you make it so hard to wait! you make my hear race with everything you say and you make me melt with every word you type <3
David: thats the only problem, were only typing things, by know i know i like you so much, and i could end up loving you i rly wanted to do this in person but i'm ready now, youre irresistable and i just cant wait!<3 laura.. will you be my girlfriend? <3
Laura: omg! yes <3
i am so happy, there is no way i am going to get to sleep, but i have to try :P
Laura.xx !

it was my night of 100 wishes.. too bad without you, only 99 came true..

tuesday night was grad. it was amazing. everyone was nice to eachother. even to arden! well, everyone but me.. but i was mean in a nice way :P a lot of stuff happened, mostly happy, one person, thanks to the help of some of her friends, came to a suden realization about her (hopefully ex) crush. another person showed her real colours, that no one seemed to notice until ottawa, but it became really clear at the grad dance. i on the other hand had an amazing time, just missing one thing. one person. but i think that i'll get to my crush later on. right now i need to talk about the girl who showed her true colours.
we all thought that this girl was true blue, calm, understanding, rational, kind. but since she has ditched her ex best friends, she has been much more of a orange, signifying over confidence. she seems to think that just because she's hanging out with different people ALL THE TIME, that she's so popular and so irisistable. when the truth is, she's the same girl, just a lot snottier. she seemed to think that just because someone talked to her that he was flirting. it's liike she suddenly thinks that everyone should be in love with her, and that she can get who ever she wants. but i'm sorry, it's not true. i don't mean to offend you if you happen to read this, but you are the same person as you were last month, just a lot more like arden.

so this year i have a summer to-do list that i will keep updated on my blogs until the first day of school in september.

• Get & stay fit: when i first became a vegi i lost weight, but i'm starting to think that i have put it back on, and it's not like just to be skinny, i want to be fit, because in high school i want to do some sports. i have tried this before, but i always like workout one week, then eat a whole bunch of junk food and it's all wasted time.
• Read more: i really do like to read, but i need to find some more intrestiing books, and make some time to read more.
• Make a summer reading list: pretty self explanitory.
• Get more active: it kind of goes hand and hand with getting and staying fit, but like last summer i spent most of my time sitting on my ass. and it was really no fun at all.
• Make a mends with people i have had fall-outs with: chances are, i am not going to see a lot of the people i graduated with again, as much as i say i would like to. there's no point in keeping things kept inside about this stuff, so i'm going to just let them know.
• Make the last childhood summer last: i just graduated, so this has to be my best summer! plus once the school year starts, it's going to be hard to hang out with a lot of my friends. so i have to make the time we have count!
• Convice my mother that we're not a real family: as i'm sure you know, i don't like my family at all! and my mother is trying to enforce this rule so that once a week we have a family dinner, like all of us.. at the same time.. in the same room.. we're not that kind of people, and we ususally just make dinner for ourselves, and eat where ever, whenever. sometimes we don't even have dinner. and we're all happy with going days without seeing eachother.
• Go to a concert: this one is probably a long shot, but i really want to go to a concert, and like i was supposed to last summer, but i couldn't, so i want to this summer :D
• Get a job: ok so i was already offered a job, that i really didn't want, so i turned them down, but i do want a job this summer, just so like i can go to the mall and stuff whenever i want. now that one of my friends lives in newmarket, and i already had some friends there, plus my crush.. i'm going to hopefully spend a lot of time there.
• Don't give into any temptation: this one is pretty general. i have to stay strong, no cheating on working out unless i have a good enough excause for myself, no opting out of my reading list, no holding back on what i want to tell people, no holding back on the fun i want to have this summer, no giving into my mother (like that one could happen, i'm the most minipulative daughter ever), no avoiding jobs for no reason, and no summer flings (ahaha sorry, had to add that one)

So now that you know how i am planning on doing this summer, on to what has already happened. so grad was amazing, but his absence made it only good. if it wasn't for his douch bag brother he could have come. i called and he said he wasn't home, and if his brother had actually let me talk to him, the girl who did my hair, make up and dress alterations would have picked him up! i hate his brother, he's a fag! but it's ok, because he is so sweet, he made up for his brother :P. he is always saying things that just make my heart race, and i can never stay mad at him. i was mad at him because we were supposed to hang out at the mall yesterday, but his family instead made him go to carolina, i know stupid reason to be mad, but i was upset at the time. well when i went on msn i saw his personal message 'the absence of you made a great night only good♥' i melted, and i couldn't stay mad at him.
on facebook we have this thing, where we make graffiti for eachother, and it's always pretty corny, but cutee. well he made this 'lame ass appology' and it was yhe sweetest thing anyone has ever written for me. ok this is what it said 'sorry, i really really want to see you. it just sucks that something always comes up! I really do want to be with you... i'm thinking about you more and more... and do you know what happens every time i think of you!... I want up to be together.. I'm just not ready yet... I have a lot to give<3>' it's so sweet. and the best part about it is that there's no pressure on me to ask him out. so ha guys! ha!
But seriously, i can wait, because the truth is, he's worth it, plus i'm not really sure i'm as ready as i could be either..
Laura.xx !

no lying. *also read + coment last blog

Lasts:

1. last beverage: Water.
2. last phone call: my mother.
3. last text message: emily.
4. last cd played: Metro station.
5. last BUBBLE bath: long time ago.
6. Last hug: um.. i actually don't remember. i think amber.

HAVE YOU EVER:

1. dated someone twice: yes.
2. been cheated on :hope not.
3. kissed someone & regrett it: yes.
4. fallen in love: no.
5. lost someone special: yes.
6. been depressed: yes.
7. been drunk and threw up: no.

LIST

5 PEOPLES YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO:
1. stephanie.
2. emily.
3. gavin.
4. the guy i like. (i know, suprizing)
5. annie.
*there are more, i can just only name 5.. so don't feel bad.

LIST FAVORITE COLORS:
1.red.
2.yellow.
3.purple.

Have you
1. Laughed: duh.
2. Met someone who changed your life? yes.
3. Found out who your true friends are? yes.

random
1. Bush: don't care.
2. Gay Marriages? cool for them.
3. Lowering the drinking age? not like it matters. people drink under age anyway.
4. Gay, Straight, or Bi? im straight, and i'm cool with people who aren't.
5. Who is the best hugger that you know? i know a few good huggers.
6. Do you believe in Love at first sight? not love. atraction; sure. crush; why not, but love takes time.
7. Is there something you want to tell someone? yes!
8. Brand of shirt you are wearing? um.. majora.. ? rofl. got it at fairweather.
9. How many people on your top friends do you know in real life? FACEBOOK: all but two. MYSPACE: all but one.
10. How many kids do you want to have? NONE!! i hatee kids.!
11. Do you have any pets? none that live with me, but i havee two at my dad's.
12. Do you wanna change your name? Maybe my middle name. but other than that i'm good with it.
13. What did you do for your last BIRTHDAY? went to the school play. not sure if i'm having a party. maybe in the summer.
14. What time did you wake up today? gah. nine am.
15. What were you doing at midnight last night? talking to people. listening to music.
16. Last time you saw your mother? last night.
17.What are you listening to right now? throwdown. (tv)
18. Have you ever donated money to a good cause? yea.
19. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? honestly who hasn't
20. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? shorts from stephanie.
21. Who's getting on your nerves right now? no one really.
22. Most visited webpage? facebook.
23. Coke or Pepsi?: coke.
24. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past month? no.

If you answered honestly to all these, repost as "No Lying Quiz"

come and take it boy, cause you know i won't just give it to you..

so we went to ottawa and it was really fun. there were some tears, lots of laughs, a couple bruised hearts, late night partys, late night phone calls, secrets, lies and a strip club ?
ok so a couple people cried, but i think only two people did, which is a good low number. the late night phone calls i think were only me though, because i called him both nights. it was really funny, but we never once talked about what we needed to talk about. but all in all ottawa was really fun. we even got along with arden! but that won't last. tomorrw when i go to school everything will be the samee.
so enough about ottawa, because something more important happened. when we got home i went to the soccer feilds to hang out with him, and some of my other friends, well he didn't even come, but cause he wasn't allowed. so wel called him and i talked to him almost the whole time. and this time we did end up talking about it. as it turned out, after stephanie told him that i like him, he started thinking about it, and he started liking me. i was so happy when he said that. he said the he could see it happening, then it did.
i guess that letting him find out wasn't a bad thing after all. i mean if i just kept it to myself, he would have never started liking me back. the only thing i have to wonder now is what next ? i mean i like him. he likes me. so shouldn't the next thing be to date ? but i know that i'm not goingt to ask him. i don't care if you think i should. i really don't. a lot of you are always saying, just ask him. it's not hard. well not for you maybe. but it's just not the person that i am. a have said it many times, but most of you don't seem to get it. it pisses me off so much. you may not realize it, and you may not understand, but it does.. more than anything. most things i don't get mad about, but that is one of the few things i really hate.
k well any way, i don't know what to do now. it's out in the open that we like eachother, so is anything going to happen with it ? like until next year it would probably be hard to see eachother.. well not really. but a bit, like more than if we lived in the same town. but it doesn't matter to me.. would it matter to him ?
-xo Laura♥

can you hear my heart beat racing? can you see the tears in my eyes?

i'm totally skipping all the shit people fit in blogs to fill up space and just cut to the case. i talk to him a lot, and all the time he had no idea.. i like him so much. i don't know what it is about him that i can't get out of my head. ok so me and steph made this greatt idea that she would tell the person she likes that she likes him, and i would tell the person i like the same. well we were really hyper, and we were on webcam with him. well she pointed to me, made a heart, and pointed to the cam, signifying that i like him. well i got pissed, but she said that since she told him, that she would tell the person she likes. well as it went, he didn't even see, so she didn't even have to ask tell the person she liked, but he was sset to away. so she told the person i like that i like him, and he asked if i was serious. she asked him if it was a bad thing and he said he guessed that it wasn't. so she told him that i do like him. he said it was awkward. because he doesn't like me.. he said that he had too much stuff on his mind, but it didn't stop me from crying. he said that he didn't know what to say because he didn't want to screw anything else up, but the truth is that he couldn't say anything to make me feel worse. i don't know why. but he couldn't really hurt me anymore than that last night.
he felt really bad about it, because he hated saying that he didn't like me back, but i still like him so much. he's just so amazing. i mean if anyone else i liked ever just told me that they didn't like me like openly, then i would be so over them. but he told me, and i can't get over him. i like him way too much. and i've been told that we are the perfect match. well i hope so, because all the time i have spent dwelling on this better be worth it.
today we were talking to him on msn, and i was talking to him, because stephanie was upstairs changing, and right when she got back he asked how liking him was going. but stephanie already had my laptop and she said that she didn't want to talk about it because it was her, not me. we basically avoided the subject, probably because we both knew that she didn't want to get in the middle of it. well we got him to call us, and for most of the time it was both of us talking to him, but for the last like ten or fifteen minutes it was just me and him. it was hard, because i like him.. so much. and it was hard to not think about it. and not talk about it. i knew that we both wanted to, but we really couldn't.
when i went on msn after we finished talking on the phone (where he got me to sing to him.. still not really sure how) i got an offline message from him. saying that we really needed to talk about what happened, and that he felt really bad. i still really don't think that he should feel bad, it's not his fault that he doesn't like him. but we really do need to talk. i'm hoping that it will happen tomorrow (well now today i guess cause it's now 2 o'clock in the morning.) because the grad trip is tomorrow. i am getting msn on my phone, but i'm not sure how easy it's going to be.
i know that i should hate myself for thinking this, because i'm just setting myself up to get hurt, but by the way he was talking to me, it really seemed like he was starting to like me. please don't let me beleive it, even if you might think it, if you love me you will tell me not to think that way or something, because i have already cried twice for him (once when he found out that i like him, and once when i got off the phone with him) i don't want to again for the third day in a row. but i know that i probably will today anyway, because i am going to get hurt when we are talking about it, unless he actually does.. but i can't think that. i have to restrain myself. i know that you can't force beleifs onto yourself, but when you don't want to beleive something, it's so hard not to. i need to talk to this boy.. i need to know what is on his mind. i need to know what was so important to him that he was the one to say that we need to talk, and not just agree. i need to know how he feels..
-xo Laura♥

how can i compete with my best friend.. especially over someone neither of us even like?

ok, so today was boring, i'm going to skip it all. haha. but because this is going to be a short blog, and only about one this.. the big night.. GRAD!
woah, is it ever sneaking up on us?! i mean this year has been weird you know.. i mean it's like it was yesterday that we were all standing outside the art room window on the first day, reading who was in who's class, and finding out who all the new kids were. but with everything and everyone that has changed, it's like it was so long ago that everyone was friends, and it was so long ago that everyone was themselves.. well sure we are all still ourselves, but.. diferent people you know? everything this year has influenced us so much. i mean one of the strongest friendships died this year. i mean yea me and that person are friends again now, but we will never be as close as we were before. this year has been such an experience. crushes, fights, tears, laughs, rumors, eating disorders, blood, drama, sex, and pain really gave us a look into the future of what the real world is like. and the only thing that got most of us through it was music and the love and support of our friends.
i could think of a few regrets from this year, but the honest truth is that without thoes 'what the hell did i just do' moments, we wouldn't be where we all are now. sure i miss thoes days that there was no drama other than that kid just stole my crayon, but without all the drama and everything else that comes along with being thirteen or fourteen, we would never be able to deal with the real world. if we grew up our whole lives without telling a single lie, or hearing a single rumor about yourself or one of your friends, you will never be ready for what lies ahead in the cut throat reality of the real world. so i guess i am glad that i had to deal with all the shit people do to eachother. because that's what it's really like.
so for grad there is a different drama. the weirdest kind. because it's over people that don't mean anything more than just as a friend. a date to grad is the weirdest kind, because it's for one night and one night only. you don't have to like them, and they don't have to call you the next day. i was thinking about asking someone who doesn't go to my school. and who i will see in the fall. but once i found out he's not even allowed to come to the dance, i realized that that defeats the purpous. so i decided that i was going to ask my friend. but one of my best friends was already going to ask him, but she didn't know. well it turned out she decided that she's going to ask someone else, so i asked the guy i was going to. but he wants to go solo. he said he's not rejecting me, he just doesn't want a date. but it's not like i like him or anything, so i'm fine. but it wasn't as hard as i thought it was going to be. i guess it was because it was a no pressure date. i guess this was kind of a break through for me. i have never asked someone out, well this isn't really asking someone out, but same principal.
woah another thing this year has done. it's weird really. but i guess it's just another stepping stone that we will never forget that makes us who we are. i might not ask someone else, but idk, if i think of someone else i might ask, i'll definatly go for it! but if i don't go it's not a big deal, like he said 'going by your self is the best, well for gr 8 grad, high school grad is different.' I'm glad that he asked if there were any hard feelings, because now he doesn't think i like him. which is good! but i'll totally keep you all posted on if i ask anyone else.
-xo Laura♥
oh p.s. when i mentioned sex, i didn't mean anyone had it, but just like all we have said about it, and the rumors about it.

boy how can you be so blind? why can't you see that i am falling for you? when are you going to catch me?

ok so today was pretty weird. last night i was so stressed out, and mad, and confused and just not in the mood to talk to anyone. well the person i said was one of my best friends.. i hate him. so much. he started talking to me and asking when we're goning to hang out, and i said idk. but he wouldn't leave it at that. he kept bugging me no matter how many times i told him to leave me alone cause i couldn't talk. i was editing pictures for the grad slide show. and he said i could talk to him about why i was stressed, but i didn't want to and i finially snapped on him. i was like 'ok i have to finish this. i'm really not in the mood to talk right now. i have to finish this, and right now i really don't want to hang out with you. and i don't need your help! i can deal with this myself. i don't need help. sure sometimes it's great, but sometimes you have to learn when to just back off. i'm a big girl now, i can take care of myself. just forget i even said anything, forget we were ever going to hang out, and forget i ever trusted you with that secret.' he wasn't happy, but i was fucking pissd. and i still am.
so this morning i was having a really shitty day. i was in a really bad mood, and i was getting short tempered with everyone, and i'm not pms-ing if that's what you're thinking. so gym, we didn't really do anything, we played soccer which is one of the sports that i really hate. so me, steph and some other people were just standing there talking. in music we finished our poster and just goofed off the rest of the period. in french we went to the library, but me, steph and some people were just drawing. recess was pretty boring. nothing really happened. math was gay as usual. but lunch made my day.
we were hanging out with our friend and she was lying on the ground, and she was rolling around.. it turned out she rolled in dog shit! it really made my day! we were laughing about it for so long. and it even made her day. omg i love her, she's amazing. in literacy i had to work on history, but i have no cchoice. i'm riding on just over a 50%. and if i don't get at least a 60% my mom will kill me. but w.e she's a bitch.
ok so last night i was talking to the guy i like now, (i'm almost completly over my old crush, i have a feeling my heart won't let me let go completly after grad) and i told him that he should come to my grad, cause his is two days later, and he said he would if he's allowed and if someone else comes.. but that person is like my best friend. so it's ok. and i'm still not sure if he's allowed to come.. but he should be! but i'm going to ask him, so it won't be so weird for him to come, if he would want to go with me as friends. :D hahaha well i hope he will say yes, and maybe he can start to really get to know me, like really well.
well to explain the title.. well i'm sure you can figure it out, but i'll fill in the details. i really like him, and i don't want to tell him, and i don't want anyone to, i want him to figure it out. idk, like if i knew him better, or we were going to the same school already, i would have no problem telling him or getting someone to tell him, but since he does live so far away, and i don't know him that well, i guess it woulf be weird if he knew for sure, you know ? well maybe it only makes sense to me. but i just hope he feels the same way.
-xo Laura♥

i know we only met a month ago, but the feelings could be there.

ok, it's been a while, but i've had a lot to figure out that i would have prefurred to keep to myself and a few people, nothing personal. but i've decided to wait until grad to completly move on from my crush. but if nothing happens, i know who i am going to move onto.
it's a boy i met at high school. well i met through one of my frieinds. But we met in person at the grade nine day. i honestly didn't expect him to be to tall.. or hot.! haha. i guess i decided that i might be able to like him this morning. me and steph were on our way to school and i told her thought he was hot, and we started talking about it. and i decided that i would talk to him more, and start to like him. well today i talked to him for a long time, and i am slowly starting to like him. he's so funny, and we are so much alike.
we like the same music, we have the same style, we both suck at french, we're taking the exact same courses next year. it's kinda weird. we were even flirting for a bit. haha and he even said it. i called him hot, and he called me hot then he said something like 'well that was a flirtatious interaction' lmfao. he's so funny.
we're both also vegiterians and support animal rights. we were talking about the horrible things people do to animals, and how we're both signing the potition for the kuntky (SP?) fried cruelty campigne. we talked about everything. grad, the ottawa trip (he already went, and i'm going next week), music, when we met, everything. and i made him feel special cause i called him tall.. well i called him a beast, then said he was like REALLY tall :P . so i just hope i feel the same in the fall, or the feelings rekindle while we go to school together.
-xo Laura♥

you are so sweet. you are one of the best friends i have.

today i'm not going to talk about what's going on with me and my crush, or all the complications with me and my mom. i'm not going to tell you about what happened at school today, and i'm not going to talk about what i did with my friends. no. today i am going to talk about the best friend i could ever ask for.
he is always there for me. he can talk me through anything and calm me down. he can make me smile through all the tears i shead for anyone, thing or memory. he is amazing, and i never want anything to happen to him.
he can make me cry by being the nicest person in the world. i love him to death. he is such an important person in the world to me. i know that i can tell him anything and he would never judge me. he can help me through any problem with my friends, crushes and even my family. he helps me try to make things better with my mom. he is so honest, even if it would hurt me, he knows that it would help me in the end. he has helped me realize i'm not totally insane, made me feel so good, helped me solve many of my fights, and would never let me give up.
i could never stay mad at him for more than an hour, and even then i feel bad after. he is really great and i feel blessed to know him. i never want to loose touch with him, and i will always be there for him. i am so happy that i have such an amazing friend who doesn't loose his temper with me, like everyone else has.
i wish i could see him more, but i know that i can always talk to him. he has made me a much happier person, and he has stopped me from making stupid desitions, without even knowing it. i couldn't ask for a better friend. he is perfect. he's so nice, funny, sencitive, and he would never tell anyone what i tell him. he couldn't be better.
-xo Laura♥

when you look me in the eyes, i just what to know what's on your mind. is it the same as what's on mine?

ok yesterday was twin day, and it was kind of creepy. i was supposed to do it with a bunch of other people, but i was never serious! Three other people did though, so it was creepy! rofl. anyway, he did it. him and two other people wore black and white striped shirts. so it was confusing.
first three periods were boring, and nothing happened. recess nothing important happened just caught him looking at me a lot. math was math, gay and boring. lunch was when it started getting good. we went to subway like usual. we didn't stay long. once we left we hung out with one of our friends from the other school. we went to the ice cream parler and that was the first time it was a bit weird. him and some of his friends came in and they were talking to us and like hanging out with us. and everytime i looked at him, he was looking my way. it was nice to see, but i want to know what he thinks when he looks at me. is it good, or do i not want to know? i wish he was just honest. like when i like someone, weather i want them to or not, everyone finds out. but i wish it was like that with other people. why is it just me?
i want to know what he thinks of me, i want to know if he likes me. it seems like it, but i don't want to assume that he does. i don't want to get hurt. i would rather he be brutally honest, than keep the truth to himself. i wish that i could just ask him. gah. i wish i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye. well maybe now say my last goodbye exactly, but do something about it. i want to know what is on his mind when he thinks of me, if he ever does. well i know that he notices me. i just hope it's for good reasons. i want to just talk to him about it, i want to know what i would do if he said he does like me. i know that i still won't ask him out, he would have to ask me out. i mean i'm not the most trusting person in the world. so i might think that he is lying. but if he asked me i would know that he does. but i'm sure that even if he did like me, he would care what his friends thought.. omg does any of this make sense? like at all?
-xo Laura♥

hold me tight, stay by my side, let me be the one you call baby, all the time.

ok, mixed feelings like MAD! i like him again and i don't like the guy i did like for about a day.

ok here's how it happened. like i said i still had some feelings for him, but i didn't know because of the whore, plus he still liked his ex. well he changed his personal message on msn to 'theres a train leaving town in an hour ; it's not waiting for you and neither am i' and it means that he's tired of waiting for his ex to come back. then my friend (the person that we were supposed to hang out with on friday but ditched us's ex) told us that the whore asked if she still liked him cause they like eachother and want to date. so i know that she won't go after him again, and he wanted nothing to do with her. well i still didn't know until this morning. he checked me out. and basically admited it. he said that someone has the same jeans as me. and then we were actually talking. when steph and i walked away we were talking and he said that when he touched my ass yesterday (i thought by accident, and it probably was, so like don't say anything) and even steph thought that that meant that he checked me out, she said that she thinks that he might like me, and that was even before i told her that emily thought the same thing. it was at that moment that i realized that i was falling for him all over again.

in gym all i could think about was him. arden and i were sitting out because we didn't have gym clothes, and so we talked a bit, but i didn`t really litsen, i was too busy thinking about him. after gym we had music, and our friend screamed in my ear 'can you hear me?' and i was like 'yea, thanks.' and he walked out of his class and he was like 'i could hear you from all the way down the hall.' and he was talking to our friend, but his eyes were glued to me. i was probably beat red, and i think that the whole school could hear my heart beating. some of my other friends came into the conversation, but our eyes never broke a stare until our teacher came in and we were let in the music room. the whole time i wanted to see him again. even in the middle of class i went to my locker to get something assuming that he would be sent out, unfortunately he wasn't. after music we were supposed to have french, but we were going to balenced beginings at de la salle. so we were waiting for the bus. i didn't see him for the rest of the day :(
some other stuff happened today, like me almost falling off the fire dock, then deciding to go in.. in all of my clothes.. then walking around town wearing soaked skinnies!! lmfao but i have to go to bed. nighty night.
-xo Laura♥

moved on, to someone who can really make me happy..

i thought it might be possible when i talked to him at lunch, i thought it might be true when i hung out with him in dvpa, but i knew it for sure when we had a staring contest in the meeting..
that's right everyone, i have another new crush. it started yesterday. This is better, because he actuallt makes me happy, and i can actually talk to him, i can actually hang out with him, and i don't regret letting him know. i really like him, but i still feel bad about ruining my friend's plans. i'm so sorry, and i will always feel guilty until i get over him. but he makes me so happy. it's the first time i have been happy about a crush..wow.
Today we had science first and i talked to him a bit, and at the end apparently i was trying to stand near him, i didn't notice, but my friend did. haha. in gym, we didn't talk cause he had to sit out. but i really had fun in gym. we were playing european handball. it was violent and i got called vicious by my teacher. it was so funny. in computers, again i didn't talk to him cause we have assigned seats and we sit so far away from eachother. at recess we looked at eachother a lot and everytime we did we would just laugh! in french everytime he saw me he would like shout my name, then i would shout his, then that would go on for a while! then once when i left the room when i was coming back he was at his locker and he yelled my name and i yelled his like usual then he was like 'laura.. smells' and i was likee '_____'s.. mean.' and he was like 'i'm not mean!' and i was like 'yea, you think that.'
our principal came in our room all pissed, and he slammed the door, and it swang open and he started yelling at us. it was so hard not to laugh, the second he left a few people including me burst out laughing. then our french teacher was talking to us and he was like 'it's not just the people who are doing it, it's when you laugh and encourage it.' and just as he did that i laughed at something the guy i like did, and the teacher was like 'like that!' and he started yelling at me, and it was hard not to laugh then too! i was in such a good mood cause of all the flirting me and the guy i like were doing !
I like talking to him it's easy because we're friends. but i'm sure what to think about my most recent ex-crush. i mean i'm pretty sure he doesn't know i don't like him anymore. but he's been (as emily said it) "more friendly" today. he scared the shit out of me twice! lmfao, but it was funny. and when i was at my locker after lunch, he walked past and acidently touched my ass. haha. but i started talking to him on msn, and it's not awkward to talk to him. so i'm glad.
but i still don't know if i'm totally over him. i know that i like this new person more, but if what emily said is true, i don't know what i am going to do. so i hope that it's not!
-xo Laura♥

it's just a romour.. so why does it bother me that much!

WHORE!
this is referring to a few people really. But two of them, i won't bother talking about.

ok so yesterday not a lot happened out for lunch or at school until literacy. i just had to print out my story, so i had most of the time having free time. We were watching these funny videos most of the time, and we watched 'trogdor' which was this video we were doing a project on in french. when we were watching it, he walked in.. and he said something and i looked at him cause i didn't know he was there, and the second i saw his eyes looking into mine, i had to look away. i felt sick, i felt the blood rushing to my cheeks. he sat behind me for ages and i barley said anything.. it was kind of awkward.. i was also told right after school that the guy i used to like (his best friend) told his whole class that i wasn't good enough for the guy i like now.
well after school me and steph were supposed to go hang out with our friend around my house. well after school we went to the ice cream parler for like a minuite. and he wasn't where we were supposed to meet him when we got out. we asked one of his friends where he went and he said that he was hanging out with someone else. when we got to my house we went back into town almost right away. we went to the park, then to one of our friend's house, then steph's dad, then back to the park again. then we got bored and we were on our way back to my house. when we were walking on the bridge we saw some shelter kids and they started talking to us. and asked us to go there, and we were like 'um, no thanks.' then they came running up the hill and we booted it! then when we went through the school yard.. well we were going to, but the guy that we were supposed to hang out with was there. a long with a lot of other people, including the guy i like. so we went around the front of the school. unfrotunately the shelter kids followed us, we ran again, this time into giant tiger. we stayed there for a bit, hoping that they would have gone by by the time we left. unfortunately they were still behind us. we started running again and we saw some of our friends. we went with them and avoided the stalkers. but one of our friends went home, so we went back to the park with the one who was still with us. when we got there we saw someone that the guy i like was hanging out with and he told us that him, our friend that ditched us, some whore and a bunch of other people were in the forest.. the whore was wasted. she's usually all over any guy she sees, but when she's drunk i guess she's a lot worse. and she was all over him.. but he wanted nothing to do with her.. so i didn't get it.. they went back into the forest again. before they came out, we decided to leave. but just then they came out and someone said that the whore gave him a blow job. when i heard this i almost started to cry, but i wouldn't let myself. when we started to talk about it with someone who didn't know i like him i started to cry. he didn't understand why i was crying, so i told him that i like him. i found out that it wasn't true, but i'm still not sure how i feel about him..
the other person i called a whore isn't really one, but she said that stephanie asked him out for me, and he said yes, but we're not dating, none of that is true. not even her asking him out. she asked if he would ever date me.
today we went back to the park, but when the first whore came, we left, and the person she was with/the guy i like's ex girlfriend noticed us leave when they came..
-xo Laura♥

Cold, Sad and comfused.

I think i'm going to do this blog a little differently than normal. This time all I am going to do is explain the title, because it is my whole day..
C O L D : Today we had track and feild. but it was freezing! It rained all day! everytime i looked at him and saw him looking at me, his eyes pearcing me like razors. just because of the fact that his feelings are competly opposite of mine. why would he like someone like me ? I'm not one of the gorgeous 'flawless' popular girls. well anyway. i was freezing but i had to change out of my pants into shorts, but when i wanted to put them back on, they were soaked. they got rained on. I was so cold. i actually cried. all i wanted was her to ask him out for me so he could say yes.. and hold me in his arms. because nothing is so sweet.
S A D : I decided to change the way that we were going to ask him. i told my friend to ask him if he would ever go out with me. so it wouldn't be as bad if he said no.. Well it worked. He did say no, because he doesn't like me. and i'm not as hurt as i thought i was going to be.. i haven't cried.. yet.. i wish he could just see me for me.. i wish he knew me personally. i wish he would give a loser a chance..
C O N F U S E D : Even though he has given his answer, i'm not sure what to do.. what to think.. I mean, i always catch him looking at me.. maybe it's just me.. I wish he could tell me.. i wish i had the courage to ask.. I don't know what to think about him anymore.. do i still like him ? is it worth it if i do? will he ever change his mind ? is forgeting about him the answer. is letting it get to me any better ? how can you feel so strongly about someone who feels nothing back ? is it true? are the person who you love, and the person who loves you never the same person?

-XO lAURA♥

p.s. I D O N ' T W A N T T O B E L I K E T H A T ! I ' M N O T D O N E H I D I N G A L L O F MY E M O T I O N S . .

steer my life away from thoes thoughts for just two days more..

so if my title wasn't clear, i'm not going to talk about my crush until tuesday..
i love my new house. though i have like no furnature in the house yet, and my ass is always numb from sitting on the floor, it's cool. at my old house we had to make plans like a week in advance to hang out. but now people show up here unexpectedly. it's cool. i live near a lot of my friends. and it's a generally nice house. i don't have a tv in my room yet, but with my laptop i don't really need one. plus i have an imagination to start daydreaming, to get myself into the real thing :) . I love being able to just go out with people. it's like so new to me! there is only one thing that we haven't really talked about, but my brother and i are both in denial about.. it's just a little trust issue.. but it's not a big deal.. we'll see how it is later..
ok sorry this has been so short.. but my desition to cut out a certian part of my blog, i have much less to talk about.. or i'm just to tired to finish writing haha. well i'm out. peace.
-xo Laura♥

genuinly happy.. for one night and one night only.

So to start off this note.. I love love LOVE my new house. when i woke up i was scared for a minute. i was like 'ah wtf?! where am i?! ohhhh yea.!' lmfao. well nothing really happened today till lunch i guess. like every friday we went out for lunch. and the guy i like hung out with us for most of the time.. it was weird, and we even talked..
i wanted to ask him out right then, but i used my better judgement.. and decided not to! my friend cassie also made me emo. she grabbed my wrist and started to scratch it with her finger nail. then it started to heal and they looked like real scars.. and really stung for the rest of the day.. they still kind of do. and she kept saying that i cut myself. and i was like 'ok i have no knife, or razor or anything, and i didn't have them this morning at school ?!' but it didn't matter, cause he didn't stop looking my way.. my friend jack and i got into a fight.. kinda thing.. lmfao. he called me a three dollar mexican prostitute!
well moving on. today was a dream come true.. well almost.. but i think it might end like that. everyone does.. well the people who matter.. It's so nerve wracking, but i'm not nervous.. i'm excited.. like REALLY excited.!! i love looking into his eyes and smiling.. un willingly really, but it's ok. i like it. i like loosing myself in day dreams about him.. even people being dicks if he notices me. i know it sounds pathetic, but i never thought that he noticed me before.. well i knew that he did because he always catches me looking his way.. but it's nice to know that he cares.. i guess i have to explain a little better huh ?
It all started on monday i guess.. in art me, steph and our friend were working in the hall and he guessed who stephanie liked.. and steph was like 'ok now you have to guess who laura likes!!' and he was like 'um.. this school?' she said 'yea' he asked 'grade seven ?' she said 'yea' he asked 'miss o'riley's class' she said 'no' he guessed a few people.. i said no to all of them.. he said his name.. i said no.. he looked at me.. i blushed.. and smiled.. then i laughed and he knew i was lying.. during this time, the classes were changing, but we had a double art, so he was going into our homeroom for science. i looked and he was like right there.. i was bright red, so i went back to work on my art.. my friend made up a stupid nickname that really bugged me. then another one of my friends, the girl in yellow from my earlier blogs, heard it..
well on to wednesday when it really went down. in gifted the girl in yellow and i were talking about it, because one of the other people were saying something about what happened in DVPA and it involved him. and she said the nickname and it was as if time stood still for like 5 minutes.. i felt as though i was going to throw up.. time came back to me and i imediatly pretended that no one heard.. i told her i hated her. and people said that they heard. one told the person who was telling about DVPA something. i forced him to tell me. he asked me if i liked one of my bestfriends!! i said 'hell no!' but he started saying that i did anyway.. someone else asked who i did like, and the girl in yellow wanted to tell him.. but i wouldn't let her.. i would have told him because he is my friend, but i jsut didn't want her to tell him. i called the guy who started telling people i liked my bestfriend a dick and went to the bathroom. in there i ran into one of my other bestfriends and told her what happened and that i was about to cry.. when i got back too class i tried to calm down, but instead i just didn't talk..
when we went outside to practice track and feild i started talking to my friend about it, we were waiting for someone to oppen the door to let us go to the bathroom, cause i didn't want to cry outside.. in front of everyone.. as i tried to explain, waiting for someone to come, he stood befind me. i could hardly tell her with him there. and i didn't want to talk.. i looked at him for just a second.. i really didn't want him to know i was crying.. i saw his face in the reflection in the glass of the door. he was looking at me too. he looked concerned, but who knew he really was ? we got inside, but we had to leave the bathroom.. we had to go back outside.. i had to face them.. i did a couple of laps, but then i just stopped to talk to my friends about what happened. one friend i was talking to was the guy that wanted to know who i liked.. he is really a good friend, and i told him why i was so upset. when he went back to practice shot put, i saw the guy i like look my way once again. he did many times that day.. i didn't want him to see, but he did.
alright, on yesterday.. well last night to be more exact.. as you must know, i am planning on asking him out.. well it's going to be stephanie asking him out for me.. i know that i said i thought that it was lame, but she said that it would be fine, so i trust that.. and it's going to happen on tuesday..
So today in literacy the person who i called a dick told me that he knows that i like him. i asked him how he knew, and he said that the person who wanted to know who i like told him, and that the guy i like told him. and i was kind of like wtf?! why did he tell him.. like did he ask?! and so me and the girls in yellow went up to him and i was like 'why did he tell you?! like did you ask?!' and he was like 'no i didn't ask him, like when i went back with my class he was like 'hey why is laura crying?' and i was like 'um i don't know.' cause i didn't want to tell him and he was like 'oh, well cause i heard she had a crush on me' and yea.' and i just smiled. i was so happy that he asked..!
then when we went out to practice Track and feild again. and i told steph what he said and she said that he'll probably say yes. and i didn't know why and she said that he probably likes me.. and i still didn't know why.. and she said that he wouldn't have asked why i was crying if he didn't care.. i was so happy. i still am! i want tuesday to come FAST!! i just can't wait !!! AHHH!! well i better go now.. time to dream about him :D
-xo Laura♥

how can such a bad idea look like such a good choice?!

ok sorry i haven't been on recently. i haven't had internet cause my ex step dad is a dick. But now we're in our new house. it's so nice, but i don't know my way around it rofl. i walked though the door to the basement thinking it was the bathroom, and i almost walked into the wall thinking i was going into the kitchen. but it's pretty sweet!
so i was hanging out with emily and some other people, but we kinda left them and went to the fire dock, and we both threw notes in the lake. hers was a note about Arden. and mine was a note i wrote in literacy. to no one in geral. a few people read it, but i got it back. It was about the guy that i like. if you don't know the situation already, i am thinking about asking him out..
this is the title. i know that it's a bad idea, but it's looking better and better with every dream i have. but i shouldn't do it cause of a dream right?! but i keep thinking that he might like me.. like i always catch him looking at me. and i'm sure he laughs when i blush. but i don't know if that means anything.. everywhere i look he's there. i can't even look around while oppening my locker without seeing him! everywhere i go i think about him. i don't know what to do..
i would love to date him.. but i don't want to ask him out.. ok i'll spill my secret.. i've never asked someone out before... like i know that i haven't had a lot of boyfriends, but i've never asked any of them out. i don't really want to ask him out in person.. but don't want someone else to do it for me.. that would be so lame wouldn't it?! i mean i can see it now, someone walkes up to him. asks him to go out with me. he looks over at me. i turn BRIGHT red. he thinks i'm a total loser. he says no. that's not good. but i don't want to ask him on msn.. idk why, i just have something against that.. it's just so.. idk.. but like it's not safe.. someone could be there reading the conversation.. or someone else could say yes just to make a fool out of you.. or somone could be lying to make you say yes.. it just doesn't seem good to me.. so what's left ?! phone.. i would feel like a stalker or something if i just knew it and he didn't know how.. so that's the WORST idea. so i guess i'm stuck asking him in person..
so what do i say?! how do i do it without embarassing myself?! i wish i was more bold.. i wish i could just walts on up to him and be like 'hey, do you want to go out with me ?!' but like that would be weird.. cause we're not even friends.. people who say that i should ask him out must not take that into concideration.. but should i just go for it anyway? i mean what do i have to loose?! ahh i want to soo bad.. i really do.. but i couldn't do it alone.. i need my friends there.. if it was just me and him, it would be so awkward!! ok, so that's what i'll do.. with two of my friends.. and i know what two.. don't get offended because you're not one of them.. it's nothing personal.. it's just cause they are friends with him..
ok so that's setteled.. so what do i do when he says no?! do i just walk away?! but i'll cry.. i can't let him see me cry though!! that wouldn't be good! what do i say? just ok? or should i ask why?! i'm sure i would want to know, but i don't want to hear it then.. i'll totally cry.. if i cry that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down! can anyone help me?!
he's so carring, and so cutee! and so funny. he's so cool. and so nice. and not a goodie good. i.. i don't have buterflies saying this.. about me ACTUALLY doing it. I'm actually asking him out and i have nothing.. god for once! it's nice. i really get tired of that feeling.. it's not fun at all ! Well help me out please?! and wish me luck!
-xo Laura♥

plane crash.

You and seven of your friends got into a plane crash.Now you’re stranded on a deserted island ..
Who are the friends?
1. stephanie.
2. gavin.
3. jordan.
4. emily.
5. katrina.
6. becca.
7. kyle.

_ _

- Who caused the crash?
jordan for sure.

- Who screamed?
everyone.. but jordan and kyle were the loudest.!

- Who didn't realize what was happening?
ahahaha me and stephanie.

- Who thought they were going to die?
emily.

- Who hugged each other?
everyone.!

- Who was the calmest?
me and stephanie.. we didn't know what was going on..

_ _

- Who kicked the plane over and over again?
emily.

- Who sat in the sand and cried?
jordan.

- Who laughed?
katrina.

- Who was angrier?
probably me.

- Who was hurt badly?
emily.! she probably tripped over a rock on the beach.!

- Why?
because she's a klutz.

- Who went to look for food?
gavin. he was hungry.

- Who spelled out HELP in the sand?
kyle.

- Who started a fire to keep warm?
gavin. i think he actually knows how to...

- Who sat in the sand and complained?
me and steph.

- Who made everyone laugh?
gavin.

_ _

Three months later ..

- Who rescued you?
montana..

- Who was the happiest to get off the island?
me.!

- Who was going to miss the island?
katrina and becca.

- Who didn't realise they were being rescued?
becca.

- Who didn't want to leave?
becca cause she's a freak.! rofl.

my eyelids grow heavier, but i'll stay up with you anyway!

ok it's 1:57 am, i am sitting here on my bed. lights out. my laptop in my lap. my eyelids feeling like cinderbloks. Even my creative writing skills failing me. i sit here now because of my friend who is pulling an all nighter. she is in south carolina. she is coming home tomorrow but she wants to sleep on the drive. so she needs to stay up now, so she can sleep later. But she can't stay up that long alone, so I'm helping her. we are talking about everything. but mostly boys. duh. it's like a sleep over. it's nesacary! haha. we mostly talked about how she asked out her crush and how she wants me to ask out mine. i told her that i don't want to, but i want him to know that i like him. but i don't want to tell him, but i want one of his friends to tell him. but i have to trust them. she offered to do it.
we decided that she'll tell him on msn, because it's easier. she's going to pretend that she is talking to me. she is going to say something like 'so laura do you still like _____' then like either wait till he resopnds or if he doesn't quickly be like 'oh damn, this is _____ wrong convo!!' then yea.. i'm sure I'll regret this in the morning. but i'd rather him know, than never know at all.. i think.. probably not. but i have to take risks sometimes right ?! :D . I'm so nervous. because i added him on msn too. so he might ask me about it later. well that's ok. i'll just say like 'what?! who told you?!' or like 'um.. what?!' or something like that and if he keeps asking i'll just be like. 'k well it's too late to lie about it now!' then if he's that slow that he has to say like 'so do you ?' i'll be like 'yea...' haha yea I'm just planing it all now!
I hope he likes me too, but i highly doubt it. but i hope he doesn't tell people if he doesn't. i don't want to add to my self embarassment at my school. if he doesn't like me, i don't really know what I'm going to do because the other person i could potentionally like has a girlfriend :( . so i'll be crush-less, thus making me still emotionally attached to my most recent crush/my current crush and driving myself insane about it until i find something better. yes, that's right, if you didn't already know i can't be crush-less. i always have to like someone. i don't know why. it just adds to the stress in my life.. i guess it's kind of like my own scientific notion.. haha well i don't really know what else to say, so i'll just stop writing. only 3 hours till i can go to sleep now :D haha
3:12 am
-xo Laura♥

fake a smile, it makes life a lot easier.. sadly..

it's sadly true. i have been doing this for a long time, but constantly since after lunch today. but I'll get to that later. in DVPA we went outside to play soccer and i was freezing!! well on our way out i looked in his class and like strangely right when i walked past he turned his head and looked out the door. it was weird really. but i didn't mind. when we came back in the door was closed and i didn't even bother looking in. like the first time i wasn't like looking for him. it's just force of habit now. don't know why.
In french we started this weird project, it was so funny though ! we write 5 sentences and they have to be about what we're going to be/do in the future. one of mine is i am going to marry a hot director :D ahaha. mine and steph's are so similar! but oh well. When we were working ms. miner called our class and said that he was coming back and we were all like what?! but when mr. teal said that he wasn't supposed to come i was like GAH i hate you! rofl. in science the people who had everything done got to go to the computer lab, but the people who didn't had to stay and finish. and i just had to finish my case study, so it only took me like 10 minutes. when i went to the lab i was kind of disappointed to not see him out of the class. haha. At recess we were bowling with our friend.. she was the ball and we were the pins. she only knocked me over though :(. but i screamed extra loud just to get him to look my way. ok whatever I'm pathetic.! math: nothing interesting. lunch is when it all started..
we went outside and like no one was out and i was like wtf ?! so anyway they did come out and we were all talking about something graphic lmfao. well when we went to lay on the grass every time i looked his way he was looking back. the got part about catching him now was that he was too far away to see me turn red. i like catching him look my way. it gives me some false hope that maybe someday he will confess that he likes me too. well only in my dreams. well anyway back to today. even though he looked at me a lot, i still talked a little louder and laughed a little harder to keep his eyes glued to me. i know again. pathetic right ? well i just want him to think of me as more than.. what ever he does now.. so anyway we went away from where i could catch him staring at me and that made me sad. so i was urging everyonee to go back to where we were. but we didn't. when the bell rang we walked past him. and the rumor that we heard was confirmed. let's just say that we got some hard evidence.
It really bothered me. i didn't want to believe it was true. but i can't deny the proof.. it's tragic, but it's life. i couldn't stop thinking about it. it kept popping into my mind. it was like nothing i had ever heard, or saw before. i pretended i was alright. even lied to some people about it. i guess that's my own filthy habit. constantly lying to the people i love. lying about my own well being. lying about my secret life. i feel like it's a secret identity. it only comes out every once and a while. it's all of my emotions that i express into drawings that suck and poems that don't make sense and sayings that i would never show a soul.
I had another dream about him. this time it ended in tears. if i haven't been telling you my dreams, let's just say that they are happy usually. ending in what i want to happed. this one on the other hand ended too soon for the end to come. imagine if you will i am standing in front of the intermediate doors at my school. i am standing there with 3 of my friends and the two people who made 2 months of my life suck because they found out who i liked. one of them turns to me and says 'So Laura, who do you like ?' I say 'Like I'm gonna tell you, remember what happened when you found out i liked his best friend?!' I put my hands over my mouth in a hopeless attempt to smother the words that have already slipped from my lips. They look at each other and smile a devilish, cunning grin. at the same time they turn their attention back to me and scream 'Laura, you like _____?!' i look around, everyone has stopped what they were doing and looked at me. I shift my attention to the right where i see him. he too is staring at me. But not like everyone else. he is turning red. Maybe as an attempt to try to cope for my intense mortal embarrassment. I lean my head against the wall, my hands still over my mouth. i repeat to myself 'oh my lord..' in a desperate attempt to wake up from what i wish is just a horrible dream. i have no such luck. it is though time has started again. some people continue their games or conversations. i am still looking at him and he is looking at me. people start to crowd him, probably making stupid jokes i never want to hear. other people start coming towards me. i can't take it. with the shred of good luck i still have, my music teacher walks out of the doors. i run into the school and into the vacant bathroom. My friend follows me. once i find that there is no one in the stalls, i let the warm tears fall freely down my cold, red cheeks. i am a wreck. how did this happen. why  did i let it. why didn't i think. these questions run through my mind, but i don't say a word. i just cry. my friend doesn't push me to talk, she just comforts me. once my waterfall of tears has slowed she suggests that we go back out. i simply say 'I'm not going back out there!' she says 'you're going to have to face them sooner or later!' i choose later, and she respects that choice and we stay until the bell rings. i quickly stop at my locker and tell my teacher i am here before anyone comes in. in gifted i don't say a word unless spoken to. the day is now over. i have escaped it. i get ready quickly and leave with one of my other friends as soon as i could. i don't see him at his locker. this gives me false hope that maybe, just maybe he has to stay after school for some reason. this isn't true. as i leave my friend as she crosses the road i see his unremarkable hat, the wearer, sitting on the bench i have to pass. i hope that he had lent it to a friend, but i know that that isn't true either. like i expect as i pass he stands up and cuts me off. i am not happy. why can't he leave me alone. he doesn't say anything so i simply say 'i just can't avoid you can I?' he looks me in the eyes with a strangely sonsier look. he says 'I just have to know if it's true. Do you like me?' i look up from my shoes where my eyes had lay. i say 'well it's too late to lie about it now isn't it ?' he looks at me in agreement and says 'so you do?' i look at him and nod. he looks down and then our eyes meet one more time. he is just as red as i can feel that i am turning too. no one says a word. but his look says it all. i think that he might like me too, but i can't stand this tense moment in time, and i can now hear his friends not far from where we stand now. i ask 'can i go now?' he says 'yes.' i don't look, but i know that he's watching me walk away. his friends come up to him and say 'what was that all about?' he says 'I just had to ask her something, don't worry about it. Then i wake up..
-xo Laura♥

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