that feeling in the pit of your stomach can really get to a person..

today he wasn't at school.. ok call me obsessed if you like. but if you think i am you can just stop reading my blog. it's not hard. so i noticed. I'm being honest. i always notice. I was kind of wondering why, and i heard an explanation that most people knew was happening, but i dare not repeat it. I really hope that it stops though. if you know what I'm talking about, you know why i am concerned. if you don't know, you can ask someone else, because i'm not going to tell you. I just hope that soon, someone can get through to him. I'm not judging him, i just don't want him to get hurt.
in french we had a reading assessment, but all i could think about was him. i finished quickly and turned over the page a drew a heart with 'xo.' printed beside it. in the middle of the page i wrote 'you are the only one...' then my teacher walked over and said "awh thank you." i wasn't happy about this so i finished by writing 'who can scare me.' then he said "you make me feel warm and fuzzy inside." GRR he pisses me off. i faked a laugh so he would walk away so i could finish that thought on a piece of paper. i continued to write how i felt in sayings. i was going to show my friend, then it got a little personal. so it's nothing personal to you that i didn't show you when you asked. but it's like if someone stole your diary and started reading it.
I was thinking about what who claim to be his friends said about him and how stereotypical they were being. but in literacy i was glad he wasn't there. we had an assembly and our gifted class was hosting it. it was so lame i would have died of embarrassment if he was there. plus i would probably have been staring at him (not realizing it of course) and been BRIGHT red. I was also glad that his best friend/my 2 month ex-crush wasn't there either. i don't know why, but i don't think about him the same way anymore.. it's weird.
When we were on our way home he had made his way to school and i walked past him and looked at him with a part worried part ashamed look. i mean ashamed for me, not him that is. and he looked at me too with a weird look. it was hard to weird. I'm not even sure what emotion he was trying to portray. but i made sure he saw the look in my eyes, then i looked down and back to my friends before they realized that i had looked away and mentally stepped out of the conversation. thought that's not an uncommon thing for me. i never stay focused on a conversation. I'm constantly saying "what?!" to my friends whenever they talk to me. it's nothing personal. i just have a lot on my mind.
So when i got home i got to see my brother and his girlfriend (they just moved back up from NB) and i got to talk to them for a bit before i went to the park with becca. like usual we talked about her ex#1.. or #2.. i can never remember. and her dreams. and my crush and my dreams. She asked me today if i really liked him a lot. i said yea in a part embarrassed part confident confession. i don't know why, but i can't think about other people that way. not really even to say that they are hot.. like i know that other people are, and that i can. but i can't! do you get it?
there is also something that someone said to me yesterday, well started to say then said that they couldn't tell me. it was right after i said something about him. and i am so curious. i really want to know. and if it has to do with me i think i have the right to know, and i have a funny feeling that it does. I can't stop thinking about him!! but i don't know if i want to!! Just please someone tell me what I'm supposed to do right now!! Please, just give me a HINT!
-xo Laura♥

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