fake a smile, it makes life a lot easier.. sadly..

it's sadly true. i have been doing this for a long time, but constantly since after lunch today. but I'll get to that later. in DVPA we went outside to play soccer and i was freezing!! well on our way out i looked in his class and like strangely right when i walked past he turned his head and looked out the door. it was weird really. but i didn't mind. when we came back in the door was closed and i didn't even bother looking in. like the first time i wasn't like looking for him. it's just force of habit now. don't know why.
In french we started this weird project, it was so funny though ! we write 5 sentences and they have to be about what we're going to be/do in the future. one of mine is i am going to marry a hot director :D ahaha. mine and steph's are so similar! but oh well. When we were working ms. miner called our class and said that he was coming back and we were all like what?! but when mr. teal said that he wasn't supposed to come i was like GAH i hate you! rofl. in science the people who had everything done got to go to the computer lab, but the people who didn't had to stay and finish. and i just had to finish my case study, so it only took me like 10 minutes. when i went to the lab i was kind of disappointed to not see him out of the class. haha. At recess we were bowling with our friend.. she was the ball and we were the pins. she only knocked me over though :(. but i screamed extra loud just to get him to look my way. ok whatever I'm pathetic.! math: nothing interesting. lunch is when it all started..
we went outside and like no one was out and i was like wtf ?! so anyway they did come out and we were all talking about something graphic lmfao. well when we went to lay on the grass every time i looked his way he was looking back. the got part about catching him now was that he was too far away to see me turn red. i like catching him look my way. it gives me some false hope that maybe someday he will confess that he likes me too. well only in my dreams. well anyway back to today. even though he looked at me a lot, i still talked a little louder and laughed a little harder to keep his eyes glued to me. i know again. pathetic right ? well i just want him to think of me as more than.. what ever he does now.. so anyway we went away from where i could catch him staring at me and that made me sad. so i was urging everyonee to go back to where we were. but we didn't. when the bell rang we walked past him. and the rumor that we heard was confirmed. let's just say that we got some hard evidence.
It really bothered me. i didn't want to believe it was true. but i can't deny the proof.. it's tragic, but it's life. i couldn't stop thinking about it. it kept popping into my mind. it was like nothing i had ever heard, or saw before. i pretended i was alright. even lied to some people about it. i guess that's my own filthy habit. constantly lying to the people i love. lying about my own well being. lying about my secret life. i feel like it's a secret identity. it only comes out every once and a while. it's all of my emotions that i express into drawings that suck and poems that don't make sense and sayings that i would never show a soul.
I had another dream about him. this time it ended in tears. if i haven't been telling you my dreams, let's just say that they are happy usually. ending in what i want to happed. this one on the other hand ended too soon for the end to come. imagine if you will i am standing in front of the intermediate doors at my school. i am standing there with 3 of my friends and the two people who made 2 months of my life suck because they found out who i liked. one of them turns to me and says 'So Laura, who do you like ?' I say 'Like I'm gonna tell you, remember what happened when you found out i liked his best friend?!' I put my hands over my mouth in a hopeless attempt to smother the words that have already slipped from my lips. They look at each other and smile a devilish, cunning grin. at the same time they turn their attention back to me and scream 'Laura, you like _____?!' i look around, everyone has stopped what they were doing and looked at me. I shift my attention to the right where i see him. he too is staring at me. But not like everyone else. he is turning red. Maybe as an attempt to try to cope for my intense mortal embarrassment. I lean my head against the wall, my hands still over my mouth. i repeat to myself 'oh my lord..' in a desperate attempt to wake up from what i wish is just a horrible dream. i have no such luck. it is though time has started again. some people continue their games or conversations. i am still looking at him and he is looking at me. people start to crowd him, probably making stupid jokes i never want to hear. other people start coming towards me. i can't take it. with the shred of good luck i still have, my music teacher walks out of the doors. i run into the school and into the vacant bathroom. My friend follows me. once i find that there is no one in the stalls, i let the warm tears fall freely down my cold, red cheeks. i am a wreck. how did this happen. why  did i let it. why didn't i think. these questions run through my mind, but i don't say a word. i just cry. my friend doesn't push me to talk, she just comforts me. once my waterfall of tears has slowed she suggests that we go back out. i simply say 'I'm not going back out there!' she says 'you're going to have to face them sooner or later!' i choose later, and she respects that choice and we stay until the bell rings. i quickly stop at my locker and tell my teacher i am here before anyone comes in. in gifted i don't say a word unless spoken to. the day is now over. i have escaped it. i get ready quickly and leave with one of my other friends as soon as i could. i don't see him at his locker. this gives me false hope that maybe, just maybe he has to stay after school for some reason. this isn't true. as i leave my friend as she crosses the road i see his unremarkable hat, the wearer, sitting on the bench i have to pass. i hope that he had lent it to a friend, but i know that that isn't true either. like i expect as i pass he stands up and cuts me off. i am not happy. why can't he leave me alone. he doesn't say anything so i simply say 'i just can't avoid you can I?' he looks me in the eyes with a strangely sonsier look. he says 'I just have to know if it's true. Do you like me?' i look up from my shoes where my eyes had lay. i say 'well it's too late to lie about it now isn't it ?' he looks at me in agreement and says 'so you do?' i look at him and nod. he looks down and then our eyes meet one more time. he is just as red as i can feel that i am turning too. no one says a word. but his look says it all. i think that he might like me too, but i can't stand this tense moment in time, and i can now hear his friends not far from where we stand now. i ask 'can i go now?' he says 'yes.' i don't look, but i know that he's watching me walk away. his friends come up to him and say 'what was that all about?' he says 'I just had to ask her something, don't worry about it. Then i wake up..
-xo Laura♥

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