that feeling in the pit of your stomach can really get to a person..

today he wasn't at school.. ok call me obsessed if you like. but if you think i am you can just stop reading my blog. it's not hard. so i noticed. I'm being honest. i always notice. I was kind of wondering why, and i heard an explanation that most people knew was happening, but i dare not repeat it. I really hope that it stops though. if you know what I'm talking about, you know why i am concerned. if you don't know, you can ask someone else, because i'm not going to tell you. I just hope that soon, someone can get through to him. I'm not judging him, i just don't want him to get hurt.
in french we had a reading assessment, but all i could think about was him. i finished quickly and turned over the page a drew a heart with 'xo.' printed beside it. in the middle of the page i wrote 'you are the only one...' then my teacher walked over and said "awh thank you." i wasn't happy about this so i finished by writing 'who can scare me.' then he said "you make me feel warm and fuzzy inside." GRR he pisses me off. i faked a laugh so he would walk away so i could finish that thought on a piece of paper. i continued to write how i felt in sayings. i was going to show my friend, then it got a little personal. so it's nothing personal to you that i didn't show you when you asked. but it's like if someone stole your diary and started reading it.
I was thinking about what who claim to be his friends said about him and how stereotypical they were being. but in literacy i was glad he wasn't there. we had an assembly and our gifted class was hosting it. it was so lame i would have died of embarrassment if he was there. plus i would probably have been staring at him (not realizing it of course) and been BRIGHT red. I was also glad that his best friend/my 2 month ex-crush wasn't there either. i don't know why, but i don't think about him the same way anymore.. it's weird.
When we were on our way home he had made his way to school and i walked past him and looked at him with a part worried part ashamed look. i mean ashamed for me, not him that is. and he looked at me too with a weird look. it was hard to weird. I'm not even sure what emotion he was trying to portray. but i made sure he saw the look in my eyes, then i looked down and back to my friends before they realized that i had looked away and mentally stepped out of the conversation. thought that's not an uncommon thing for me. i never stay focused on a conversation. I'm constantly saying "what?!" to my friends whenever they talk to me. it's nothing personal. i just have a lot on my mind.
So when i got home i got to see my brother and his girlfriend (they just moved back up from NB) and i got to talk to them for a bit before i went to the park with becca. like usual we talked about her ex#1.. or #2.. i can never remember. and her dreams. and my crush and my dreams. She asked me today if i really liked him a lot. i said yea in a part embarrassed part confident confession. i don't know why, but i can't think about other people that way. not really even to say that they are hot.. like i know that other people are, and that i can. but i can't! do you get it?
there is also something that someone said to me yesterday, well started to say then said that they couldn't tell me. it was right after i said something about him. and i am so curious. i really want to know. and if it has to do with me i think i have the right to know, and i have a funny feeling that it does. I can't stop thinking about him!! but i don't know if i want to!! Just please someone tell me what I'm supposed to do right now!! Please, just give me a HINT!
-xo Laura♥

Blogged with the Flock Browser

you are the only one who can set me free.. if only you knew..

oh my lord, this is just like with B. only this time it's his best friend..yes that's right, I'm going back to talking about my crush in my blogs. i don't know what it is about him.. no one saw this coming.. not even me. I guess i should go back to how this started. a few weeks ago i went to the park with becca. surprisingly (for me at least) a lot of people in grade 7 & 8 were there! so the guy that i now like was there a long with a person in his class and a guy who does our DVPA. They were playing lacrosse. then his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend came and she was all over her new boyfriend. we were watching them and the guy i like. he looked to crushed to see it. he liked/likes(?) her a lot. and it was just really pathetic. i felt really sorry for him. The next day st school i saw him playing lacrosse again and for some reason my eyes were just drawn to him. like i couldn't look away.. well i did, but when ever i could, i would look away from what we were doing to watch him. i even got hit in the head with a soccer ball once or twice. i guess i was just trying to figure out what i was thinking about. like i NEVER thought about him that way. but i knew i was having feelings towards him. but i couldn't. i wouldn't let myself accept it! i was dating Garrett. and i really liked him. well the truth is, i was living a lie with him. I started to like him. that night luckily me and garrett broke up, but still only two people knew who i liked. it wasn't long before the normal people to know knew.
i guess i can skip a bit of time here to the community dinner. I didn't know that he was working.. well i didn't know that a lot of the people who were working were going to. so anyway, he was supposed to be a server, but they had enough of them so he became a waiter. and i was a waitress. so we were kind of near each other a lot. it was kind of cool. and when we were hanging out in the entrance a lot of people were there and i was standing right beside him.. god he's tall! rofl. so someone almost pushed me into him. i think that if they did i would like die!
I have been noticing him a lot lately. and i have realized that he comes into our class a lot. it's kind of weird now. i guess this leads me to today. but first in french me and steph and rebecca were totally shit disturbers lmfao. it was funny. our teachers kept getting mad at us and i had to spit out my gum. it wasn't cool cause no one ever catches me :(. so anyway in art he came in the art room and stayed for like 20 minutes. and when he did this is how mine and steph's conversation went.
her: is your heart racing ? me: why? her: because look who just walked in. me: oh yea i know. her:so is it ? me: maybe a little. her: ok let me see your face.. omg you're so red. me: oh god! her: don't worry he doesn't know it's about him me: i don't care. i feel sick!
it was nerve wracking and he kept looking at me and i was probably BRIGHT red and i didn't want him to see!! for once i DIDN'T want to catch him looking at me!! and i noticed that he looks at me a lot. like i'm pretty sure that he doesn't like me, cause like he really likes his ex, plus it's me. like it would be nice if he liked me too :D but i'm almost positive that he doesn't. i just kind of want to know.. i think..
ok well anyway to explain my title. i have been listening to this song: be my escape by Relient K. and the chorus goes like 'I've been housing all this doubt, and insecurities, i've been locked inside that house, all the while you hold the key. and i've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me, and even though there's no way of know way of knowing where to go i promise i'm going because i've got to get out of here I'm stuck inside this rut i fell into by mistake I've go to get out of here and I'm begging you I'm begging you I'm begging you to be my escape.' and that's like my life. I hate living here, and i want somewhere to escape this. and if i was with him, or even when i think about him it's like all of the pressure and stress is lifted even if only for a second.
i really want to know.. but at the same time i don't. because if he doesn't i don't want to know, because i really like him and i don't want to stop.. but i want to know if he does.. idk it's complicated..
-xo Laura♥

Blogged with the Flock Browser

and here i go again. lying like I'm alright..

i think that i just have low blood sugar or something. and that's what's making me want to pass out all the time. I am never hungry, but if i don't eat i feel light headed, but when i do eat it just makes me feel sick. I don't really want to tell my parents about it though, because they will just make me go to the doctor and I'm afraid I'll find something out that i never want to.
I have ADD so i have problems concentrating on things. so when i found out i have to clean my room and keep it clean from now on i was really down about it. so that's what I'm doing. Well that's what i'm taking a break from doing.. But when i do it i always get distracted by a notebook from grade 4 or a photo album from when i was a baby or a story i wrote at the begining of the year. i have amazingly been able to get a bit organized, but i have a long way to go.
I cleaned out my hope chest and I'm putting all of my scripts and stories in it along with inspirational memorabilia and other things i have. maybe I'll actually get some work done on them now :) .
tonight i might be going to my friend's ice show with rebecca. it should be fun. but i hope i feel better. I'm not sure if i should tell my parents about my lightheaded-nes before then if at all. but until i find out, i'll keep lying like I'm alright..
-xo Laura♥

Blogged with the Flock Browser

what happened ? this was suposed to be simple. never complicated..

I sad about a week ago that i liked someone new. and that it wouldn't get complicated because i would never think he might actually like me. But it's because of my friends that i think this way. they always say that he might like me. and i know that they mean well, but i really wish that they would just mind their own business.
i confided in them by telling them that i like him. but that doesn't mean that i want to talk about him constantly. and i don't want to think about other people thinking about what we could (but probably would never) be. I told everyone that i told that we could only talk about him if it was only the two of us, or on msn/texting. but not everyone listened to me. i find myself engaging in conversations constantly at school about how i should ask him out or about things that are sick. Funny about other people, but when it's someone i like, it's just not funny anymore.
I never wanted to think this, but i do, and only because of people saying things that are really ridiculous. I never wanted him to find out, but if people keep acting so recklessly towards that subject he might. i know that they don't mean any harm, but they have to think about it. if it was someone else who cares less about this kind of stuff it's different. but i am sensitive about that kind of stuff.
i don't want him to find out. i don't care if you say that nothing will ever come of it, i really don't fucking care. because i'm happy not knowing. because I'm sure it would be no. he's way out of my league. again don't say shit like you should ask him out or he's not out of your league. if you want to say that stuff, walk away from the computer and go fuck yourself. and don't say I'm being bitchy. this is like my weakness. i would seriously take someone out if he ever finds out. seriously.
if shit like this keeps happening I'm not going to fucking trust anyone. I'll just fucking keep it to myself and not even tell anyone i like anyone. cause i won't fucking tell anyone no matter how much they bug me. I'll just get violent.
So i'm going to make some rules to anyone who knows who it is. you can't talk about him unless i bring it up. you can't say shit like i should ask him out because you fucking know i fucking won't so don't fucking waste your fucking time. it's so retarded when people say that shit knowing that i won't. it's fucking stupid and i want to kill them! like seriously. it's the absolute most annoying thing! and i swear to god if anyone EVER says that to me AGAIN i will not only never tell them who i like, i will never say ANYTHING to them! Don't be sick about him. like sure it's funny, kind of.. but when it's someone i like this much, it's not.. at all! Don't say shit like 'rawr' or 'grr' or some shit like that because no!!!!!!!!! i will fucking want to take you out. i seriously will. i HATE that more than anything. i'm a complex person. and if you can't deal with it, than fuck off and don't talk to me!!!! So just don't bring it up. if i want to talk about it i'll bring it up.
-xo Laura♥

Blogged with the Flock Browser

excitment just doesn't seem like the proper emotion for this.

ok not a whole lot happened today. not saying that it wasn't fun, just nothing really stood out.
we started dance in gym. we had to get into groups and pick a song to make a dance for. my group is me, rebecca and stephanie. and we're doing the song now you're gone - basshunter (the one below) and we started making up a dance. it's actually pretty easy.
I've been talking to people on msn, but nothing much new with that.. Today is my friend's birthday, so happy birthday! :D. Tomorrow is my mom's but i have no idea what to do! it's the community dinner and I'm volunteering and i kinda felt bad about it. but she has a meeting so she won't be home anyway. does anyone have any ideas to do for her?
speaking of birthdays, that's what my title is about. mine is in exactly 2 weeks. but i'm not excited. I usually am. Last year i started counting down at 99 days! I was so excited, but for some reason I'm not. I have no idea what I'm doing for my party or when I'm having it. i have a vague idea of who I'm inviting, but idk for sure. there are some people that i might invite, but i'm not so sure if i want to. last year i was so pumped. i was like 'omg I'm gonna be 13, a teenager!!!' but this year it's like 'I'm gonna be fourteen woah big deal' *then rolls eyes sarcastically* like I'm happy, I'm bored, but I'm happy. i'm excited for other things.. well kinda, nothing really to be excited about. seeing the guy i like, meeting Richard ? i guess. but I'm not pumped for my own birthday ?! why not ? like it's not like I'm gonna like be afraid to fuck up my party, like it's my friends, they won't care, we'll have fun doing whatever!
I guess I'm not really thinking about the future. I'm really just in the now. I'm not really thinking about tomorrow night, school, the guy i like, not even grad! and I've been looking forward to that night since grade 6! Not even the last day of school when I'm gonna make every teacher hate me!
idk why but people are getting really touchey. idk why or if it's just me, but some people are just changing and i just don't like it. like i know people are changing, i know and accept that but when people are like pissing me off and being bitchy towards me it's like ok fuck off I don't want to be friends with you! idk, i just had to add that. sorry. well I don't want to waste anymore time, so I'm done!
-xo Laura♥

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Untitled

Embedded Video

ok i really like this song, but i have a problem with the end of the video. how they got back together.. no that doesn't happen. and if it does it shouldn't like that.

ok this is how it should happen if the guy broke up with the girl and is regretting it even if she misses him too but like hates him for leaving her
ok the girl is all depressed then goes to a basshunter concert with her friends. the guy, alsodepressed so coincidently went to the exact same concert. The girl is dancing with her friends and she sees the guy looking at her looking pretty lonely herself. she should be thinking like 'BITCHHH you broke up with me! MISS IT!' and starts dancing like really slutty! lmfao then the guy starts dancing with like a hot girl and then she finds a really hot guy and then they like hateeachother then in like a week they like freak out at eachother then it tuns like.. well you can figure it out from then ;)
ahahah yea i know I'm screwed. but I'm sooo bored you don't even know.
still gonna blog later. but i really want to do something!! so I'll blog later. anyone want to do something ?

Blogged with the Flock Browser

this is a survey. copy it, fill it out and post it [I'll post again later]

Three Names you go by [from most often to least often]
1.Laura
2. campbell's soup
3. um.. ?

Three Parts of Your Heritage
1. Canadian
2. irish
3. british

Three Things You Like About Yourself
1. um well i love my hair [though other people might not agree]
2. a lot of my friends will confide in me, like i am so trusted with a lot of people. i always am the only.. or first, person people will tell who they like or talk about it with, i guess because i know what it's like most of the time.
3. and i guess i like how i can come up with sayings pretty fast for like pictures, and ideas for stories and that kind of stuff.

Three Things You Hate About Yourself
1. I'm actually pretty self-conscious
2. I don't think before i say something so I'm always embarrassing myself, offending someone or just generally regretting i said it.
3. and i probably spend way too much time obsessing about stuff that I'm pretty sure people don't even notice.

Three Things That Scare You
1. clowns
2. needles i guess.. well I'm not really afraid of them, but i always get sick or something from them so i dread getting them.
3. peach fuzz. ok it's not really a fear per say but it's like nails on a chalk board for me. idk why exactly


Three of Your Everyday Essentials
1. um. well food..
2. water..
3. some form of media or communication.


Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. jeans
2. t shirt
3. socks .

Three Things You Need in a Relationship
1. like honesty of course.
2. he has to be able to make me laugh.
3. and well i guess we have to talk and hang out a lot.


Three PHYSICAL Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to You
1. tall. well at least taller than me. :P
2. blue eyes!! [haha well it's not essential but it's always nice]
3. well being over all attractive.


Three of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. hanging out with friends .
2. writing stuff [like scripts, stories, blogs, even lyrics and poems sometimes].
3. listening to music and sining [when no one is around to hear that is!]

Three Things You want to do really badly right now
1. hang out with friends.
2. get a crush on someone that i have a chance with/have the person i do have a crush on actually notice me.
3. do something outside [but that would kind of involve number one because there is nothing to do around here alone..]

Three Places You Want to go
1. new york
2. all over/any where in europe
3. new zealand

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. become a director
2. meet Tim burton
3. become kind of famous, but like C list celebrity that is famous and people look up to them, but only people who care about directing knows of them like Ron howard.

Three Ways that you are stereotypically a Girl/Guy
1. I like shopping
2. I wear makeup and spend way to long to get ready
3. I like guys and talking about hot ones :P

Three Things that annoy you
1. when you scrape your fork on your teeth and make that annoying noise!
2. when people find out who you like and start saying like 'you should ask him out!!' or 'you would be cute!' and you're like ok, no! i know it's not gonna happen, so you should accept it too!
3. like when people keep bugging you about something and you're just like ok w.e just stfu and leave me alone!

Three friends I would like to see fill this out
1. stephanie
2. rebecca
3. emily

Blogged with the Flock Browser