when you look me in the eyes, i just what to know what's on your mind. is it the same as what's on mine?

ok yesterday was twin day, and it was kind of creepy. i was supposed to do it with a bunch of other people, but i was never serious! Three other people did though, so it was creepy! rofl. anyway, he did it. him and two other people wore black and white striped shirts. so it was confusing.
first three periods were boring, and nothing happened. recess nothing important happened just caught him looking at me a lot. math was math, gay and boring. lunch was when it started getting good. we went to subway like usual. we didn't stay long. once we left we hung out with one of our friends from the other school. we went to the ice cream parler and that was the first time it was a bit weird. him and some of his friends came in and they were talking to us and like hanging out with us. and everytime i looked at him, he was looking my way. it was nice to see, but i want to know what he thinks when he looks at me. is it good, or do i not want to know? i wish he was just honest. like when i like someone, weather i want them to or not, everyone finds out. but i wish it was like that with other people. why is it just me?
i want to know what he thinks of me, i want to know if he likes me. it seems like it, but i don't want to assume that he does. i don't want to get hurt. i would rather he be brutally honest, than keep the truth to himself. i wish that i could just ask him. gah. i wish i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye. well maybe now say my last goodbye exactly, but do something about it. i want to know what is on his mind when he thinks of me, if he ever does. well i know that he notices me. i just hope it's for good reasons. i want to just talk to him about it, i want to know what i would do if he said he does like me. i know that i still won't ask him out, he would have to ask me out. i mean i'm not the most trusting person in the world. so i might think that he is lying. but if he asked me i would know that he does. but i'm sure that even if he did like me, he would care what his friends thought.. omg does any of this make sense? like at all?
-xo Laura♥

hold me tight, stay by my side, let me be the one you call baby, all the time.

ok, mixed feelings like MAD! i like him again and i don't like the guy i did like for about a day.

ok here's how it happened. like i said i still had some feelings for him, but i didn't know because of the whore, plus he still liked his ex. well he changed his personal message on msn to 'theres a train leaving town in an hour ; it's not waiting for you and neither am i' and it means that he's tired of waiting for his ex to come back. then my friend (the person that we were supposed to hang out with on friday but ditched us's ex) told us that the whore asked if she still liked him cause they like eachother and want to date. so i know that she won't go after him again, and he wanted nothing to do with her. well i still didn't know until this morning. he checked me out. and basically admited it. he said that someone has the same jeans as me. and then we were actually talking. when steph and i walked away we were talking and he said that when he touched my ass yesterday (i thought by accident, and it probably was, so like don't say anything) and even steph thought that that meant that he checked me out, she said that she thinks that he might like me, and that was even before i told her that emily thought the same thing. it was at that moment that i realized that i was falling for him all over again.

in gym all i could think about was him. arden and i were sitting out because we didn't have gym clothes, and so we talked a bit, but i didn`t really litsen, i was too busy thinking about him. after gym we had music, and our friend screamed in my ear 'can you hear me?' and i was like 'yea, thanks.' and he walked out of his class and he was like 'i could hear you from all the way down the hall.' and he was talking to our friend, but his eyes were glued to me. i was probably beat red, and i think that the whole school could hear my heart beating. some of my other friends came into the conversation, but our eyes never broke a stare until our teacher came in and we were let in the music room. the whole time i wanted to see him again. even in the middle of class i went to my locker to get something assuming that he would be sent out, unfortunately he wasn't. after music we were supposed to have french, but we were going to balenced beginings at de la salle. so we were waiting for the bus. i didn't see him for the rest of the day :(
some other stuff happened today, like me almost falling off the fire dock, then deciding to go in.. in all of my clothes.. then walking around town wearing soaked skinnies!! lmfao but i have to go to bed. nighty night.
-xo Laura♥

moved on, to someone who can really make me happy..

i thought it might be possible when i talked to him at lunch, i thought it might be true when i hung out with him in dvpa, but i knew it for sure when we had a staring contest in the meeting..
that's right everyone, i have another new crush. it started yesterday. This is better, because he actuallt makes me happy, and i can actually talk to him, i can actually hang out with him, and i don't regret letting him know. i really like him, but i still feel bad about ruining my friend's plans. i'm so sorry, and i will always feel guilty until i get over him. but he makes me so happy. it's the first time i have been happy about a crush..wow.
Today we had science first and i talked to him a bit, and at the end apparently i was trying to stand near him, i didn't notice, but my friend did. haha. in gym, we didn't talk cause he had to sit out. but i really had fun in gym. we were playing european handball. it was violent and i got called vicious by my teacher. it was so funny. in computers, again i didn't talk to him cause we have assigned seats and we sit so far away from eachother. at recess we looked at eachother a lot and everytime we did we would just laugh! in french everytime he saw me he would like shout my name, then i would shout his, then that would go on for a while! then once when i left the room when i was coming back he was at his locker and he yelled my name and i yelled his like usual then he was like 'laura.. smells' and i was likee '_____'s.. mean.' and he was like 'i'm not mean!' and i was like 'yea, you think that.'
our principal came in our room all pissed, and he slammed the door, and it swang open and he started yelling at us. it was so hard not to laugh, the second he left a few people including me burst out laughing. then our french teacher was talking to us and he was like 'it's not just the people who are doing it, it's when you laugh and encourage it.' and just as he did that i laughed at something the guy i like did, and the teacher was like 'like that!' and he started yelling at me, and it was hard not to laugh then too! i was in such a good mood cause of all the flirting me and the guy i like were doing !
I like talking to him it's easy because we're friends. but i'm sure what to think about my most recent ex-crush. i mean i'm pretty sure he doesn't know i don't like him anymore. but he's been (as emily said it) "more friendly" today. he scared the shit out of me twice! lmfao, but it was funny. and when i was at my locker after lunch, he walked past and acidently touched my ass. haha. but i started talking to him on msn, and it's not awkward to talk to him. so i'm glad.
but i still don't know if i'm totally over him. i know that i like this new person more, but if what emily said is true, i don't know what i am going to do. so i hope that it's not!
-xo Laura♥

it's just a romour.. so why does it bother me that much!

WHORE!
this is referring to a few people really. But two of them, i won't bother talking about.

ok so yesterday not a lot happened out for lunch or at school until literacy. i just had to print out my story, so i had most of the time having free time. We were watching these funny videos most of the time, and we watched 'trogdor' which was this video we were doing a project on in french. when we were watching it, he walked in.. and he said something and i looked at him cause i didn't know he was there, and the second i saw his eyes looking into mine, i had to look away. i felt sick, i felt the blood rushing to my cheeks. he sat behind me for ages and i barley said anything.. it was kind of awkward.. i was also told right after school that the guy i used to like (his best friend) told his whole class that i wasn't good enough for the guy i like now.
well after school me and steph were supposed to go hang out with our friend around my house. well after school we went to the ice cream parler for like a minuite. and he wasn't where we were supposed to meet him when we got out. we asked one of his friends where he went and he said that he was hanging out with someone else. when we got to my house we went back into town almost right away. we went to the park, then to one of our friend's house, then steph's dad, then back to the park again. then we got bored and we were on our way back to my house. when we were walking on the bridge we saw some shelter kids and they started talking to us. and asked us to go there, and we were like 'um, no thanks.' then they came running up the hill and we booted it! then when we went through the school yard.. well we were going to, but the guy that we were supposed to hang out with was there. a long with a lot of other people, including the guy i like. so we went around the front of the school. unfrotunately the shelter kids followed us, we ran again, this time into giant tiger. we stayed there for a bit, hoping that they would have gone by by the time we left. unfortunately they were still behind us. we started running again and we saw some of our friends. we went with them and avoided the stalkers. but one of our friends went home, so we went back to the park with the one who was still with us. when we got there we saw someone that the guy i like was hanging out with and he told us that him, our friend that ditched us, some whore and a bunch of other people were in the forest.. the whore was wasted. she's usually all over any guy she sees, but when she's drunk i guess she's a lot worse. and she was all over him.. but he wanted nothing to do with her.. so i didn't get it.. they went back into the forest again. before they came out, we decided to leave. but just then they came out and someone said that the whore gave him a blow job. when i heard this i almost started to cry, but i wouldn't let myself. when we started to talk about it with someone who didn't know i like him i started to cry. he didn't understand why i was crying, so i told him that i like him. i found out that it wasn't true, but i'm still not sure how i feel about him..
the other person i called a whore isn't really one, but she said that stephanie asked him out for me, and he said yes, but we're not dating, none of that is true. not even her asking him out. she asked if he would ever date me.
today we went back to the park, but when the first whore came, we left, and the person she was with/the guy i like's ex girlfriend noticed us leave when they came..
-xo Laura♥

Cold, Sad and comfused.

I think i'm going to do this blog a little differently than normal. This time all I am going to do is explain the title, because it is my whole day..
C O L D : Today we had track and feild. but it was freezing! It rained all day! everytime i looked at him and saw him looking at me, his eyes pearcing me like razors. just because of the fact that his feelings are competly opposite of mine. why would he like someone like me ? I'm not one of the gorgeous 'flawless' popular girls. well anyway. i was freezing but i had to change out of my pants into shorts, but when i wanted to put them back on, they were soaked. they got rained on. I was so cold. i actually cried. all i wanted was her to ask him out for me so he could say yes.. and hold me in his arms. because nothing is so sweet.
S A D : I decided to change the way that we were going to ask him. i told my friend to ask him if he would ever go out with me. so it wouldn't be as bad if he said no.. Well it worked. He did say no, because he doesn't like me. and i'm not as hurt as i thought i was going to be.. i haven't cried.. yet.. i wish he could just see me for me.. i wish he knew me personally. i wish he would give a loser a chance..
C O N F U S E D : Even though he has given his answer, i'm not sure what to do.. what to think.. I mean, i always catch him looking at me.. maybe it's just me.. I wish he could tell me.. i wish i had the courage to ask.. I don't know what to think about him anymore.. do i still like him ? is it worth it if i do? will he ever change his mind ? is forgeting about him the answer. is letting it get to me any better ? how can you feel so strongly about someone who feels nothing back ? is it true? are the person who you love, and the person who loves you never the same person?

-XO lAURA♥

p.s. I D O N ' T W A N T T O B E L I K E T H A T ! I ' M N O T D O N E H I D I N G A L L O F MY E M O T I O N S . .

steer my life away from thoes thoughts for just two days more..

so if my title wasn't clear, i'm not going to talk about my crush until tuesday..
i love my new house. though i have like no furnature in the house yet, and my ass is always numb from sitting on the floor, it's cool. at my old house we had to make plans like a week in advance to hang out. but now people show up here unexpectedly. it's cool. i live near a lot of my friends. and it's a generally nice house. i don't have a tv in my room yet, but with my laptop i don't really need one. plus i have an imagination to start daydreaming, to get myself into the real thing :) . I love being able to just go out with people. it's like so new to me! there is only one thing that we haven't really talked about, but my brother and i are both in denial about.. it's just a little trust issue.. but it's not a big deal.. we'll see how it is later..
ok sorry this has been so short.. but my desition to cut out a certian part of my blog, i have much less to talk about.. or i'm just to tired to finish writing haha. well i'm out. peace.
-xo Laura♥

genuinly happy.. for one night and one night only.

So to start off this note.. I love love LOVE my new house. when i woke up i was scared for a minute. i was like 'ah wtf?! where am i?! ohhhh yea.!' lmfao. well nothing really happened today till lunch i guess. like every friday we went out for lunch. and the guy i like hung out with us for most of the time.. it was weird, and we even talked..
i wanted to ask him out right then, but i used my better judgement.. and decided not to! my friend cassie also made me emo. she grabbed my wrist and started to scratch it with her finger nail. then it started to heal and they looked like real scars.. and really stung for the rest of the day.. they still kind of do. and she kept saying that i cut myself. and i was like 'ok i have no knife, or razor or anything, and i didn't have them this morning at school ?!' but it didn't matter, cause he didn't stop looking my way.. my friend jack and i got into a fight.. kinda thing.. lmfao. he called me a three dollar mexican prostitute!
well moving on. today was a dream come true.. well almost.. but i think it might end like that. everyone does.. well the people who matter.. It's so nerve wracking, but i'm not nervous.. i'm excited.. like REALLY excited.!! i love looking into his eyes and smiling.. un willingly really, but it's ok. i like it. i like loosing myself in day dreams about him.. even people being dicks if he notices me. i know it sounds pathetic, but i never thought that he noticed me before.. well i knew that he did because he always catches me looking his way.. but it's nice to know that he cares.. i guess i have to explain a little better huh ?
It all started on monday i guess.. in art me, steph and our friend were working in the hall and he guessed who stephanie liked.. and steph was like 'ok now you have to guess who laura likes!!' and he was like 'um.. this school?' she said 'yea' he asked 'grade seven ?' she said 'yea' he asked 'miss o'riley's class' she said 'no' he guessed a few people.. i said no to all of them.. he said his name.. i said no.. he looked at me.. i blushed.. and smiled.. then i laughed and he knew i was lying.. during this time, the classes were changing, but we had a double art, so he was going into our homeroom for science. i looked and he was like right there.. i was bright red, so i went back to work on my art.. my friend made up a stupid nickname that really bugged me. then another one of my friends, the girl in yellow from my earlier blogs, heard it..
well on to wednesday when it really went down. in gifted the girl in yellow and i were talking about it, because one of the other people were saying something about what happened in DVPA and it involved him. and she said the nickname and it was as if time stood still for like 5 minutes.. i felt as though i was going to throw up.. time came back to me and i imediatly pretended that no one heard.. i told her i hated her. and people said that they heard. one told the person who was telling about DVPA something. i forced him to tell me. he asked me if i liked one of my bestfriends!! i said 'hell no!' but he started saying that i did anyway.. someone else asked who i did like, and the girl in yellow wanted to tell him.. but i wouldn't let her.. i would have told him because he is my friend, but i jsut didn't want her to tell him. i called the guy who started telling people i liked my bestfriend a dick and went to the bathroom. in there i ran into one of my other bestfriends and told her what happened and that i was about to cry.. when i got back too class i tried to calm down, but instead i just didn't talk..
when we went outside to practice track and feild i started talking to my friend about it, we were waiting for someone to oppen the door to let us go to the bathroom, cause i didn't want to cry outside.. in front of everyone.. as i tried to explain, waiting for someone to come, he stood befind me. i could hardly tell her with him there. and i didn't want to talk.. i looked at him for just a second.. i really didn't want him to know i was crying.. i saw his face in the reflection in the glass of the door. he was looking at me too. he looked concerned, but who knew he really was ? we got inside, but we had to leave the bathroom.. we had to go back outside.. i had to face them.. i did a couple of laps, but then i just stopped to talk to my friends about what happened. one friend i was talking to was the guy that wanted to know who i liked.. he is really a good friend, and i told him why i was so upset. when he went back to practice shot put, i saw the guy i like look my way once again. he did many times that day.. i didn't want him to see, but he did.
alright, on yesterday.. well last night to be more exact.. as you must know, i am planning on asking him out.. well it's going to be stephanie asking him out for me.. i know that i said i thought that it was lame, but she said that it would be fine, so i trust that.. and it's going to happen on tuesday..
So today in literacy the person who i called a dick told me that he knows that i like him. i asked him how he knew, and he said that the person who wanted to know who i like told him, and that the guy i like told him. and i was kind of like wtf?! why did he tell him.. like did he ask?! and so me and the girls in yellow went up to him and i was like 'why did he tell you?! like did you ask?!' and he was like 'no i didn't ask him, like when i went back with my class he was like 'hey why is laura crying?' and i was like 'um i don't know.' cause i didn't want to tell him and he was like 'oh, well cause i heard she had a crush on me' and yea.' and i just smiled. i was so happy that he asked..!
then when we went out to practice Track and feild again. and i told steph what he said and she said that he'll probably say yes. and i didn't know why and she said that he probably likes me.. and i still didn't know why.. and she said that he wouldn't have asked why i was crying if he didn't care.. i was so happy. i still am! i want tuesday to come FAST!! i just can't wait !!! AHHH!! well i better go now.. time to dream about him :D
-xo Laura♥

how can such a bad idea look like such a good choice?!

ok sorry i haven't been on recently. i haven't had internet cause my ex step dad is a dick. But now we're in our new house. it's so nice, but i don't know my way around it rofl. i walked though the door to the basement thinking it was the bathroom, and i almost walked into the wall thinking i was going into the kitchen. but it's pretty sweet!
so i was hanging out with emily and some other people, but we kinda left them and went to the fire dock, and we both threw notes in the lake. hers was a note about Arden. and mine was a note i wrote in literacy. to no one in geral. a few people read it, but i got it back. It was about the guy that i like. if you don't know the situation already, i am thinking about asking him out..
this is the title. i know that it's a bad idea, but it's looking better and better with every dream i have. but i shouldn't do it cause of a dream right?! but i keep thinking that he might like me.. like i always catch him looking at me. and i'm sure he laughs when i blush. but i don't know if that means anything.. everywhere i look he's there. i can't even look around while oppening my locker without seeing him! everywhere i go i think about him. i don't know what to do..
i would love to date him.. but i don't want to ask him out.. ok i'll spill my secret.. i've never asked someone out before... like i know that i haven't had a lot of boyfriends, but i've never asked any of them out. i don't really want to ask him out in person.. but don't want someone else to do it for me.. that would be so lame wouldn't it?! i mean i can see it now, someone walkes up to him. asks him to go out with me. he looks over at me. i turn BRIGHT red. he thinks i'm a total loser. he says no. that's not good. but i don't want to ask him on msn.. idk why, i just have something against that.. it's just so.. idk.. but like it's not safe.. someone could be there reading the conversation.. or someone else could say yes just to make a fool out of you.. or somone could be lying to make you say yes.. it just doesn't seem good to me.. so what's left ?! phone.. i would feel like a stalker or something if i just knew it and he didn't know how.. so that's the WORST idea. so i guess i'm stuck asking him in person..
so what do i say?! how do i do it without embarassing myself?! i wish i was more bold.. i wish i could just walts on up to him and be like 'hey, do you want to go out with me ?!' but like that would be weird.. cause we're not even friends.. people who say that i should ask him out must not take that into concideration.. but should i just go for it anyway? i mean what do i have to loose?! ahh i want to soo bad.. i really do.. but i couldn't do it alone.. i need my friends there.. if it was just me and him, it would be so awkward!! ok, so that's what i'll do.. with two of my friends.. and i know what two.. don't get offended because you're not one of them.. it's nothing personal.. it's just cause they are friends with him..
ok so that's setteled.. so what do i do when he says no?! do i just walk away?! but i'll cry.. i can't let him see me cry though!! that wouldn't be good! what do i say? just ok? or should i ask why?! i'm sure i would want to know, but i don't want to hear it then.. i'll totally cry.. if i cry that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down! can anyone help me?!
he's so carring, and so cutee! and so funny. he's so cool. and so nice. and not a goodie good. i.. i don't have buterflies saying this.. about me ACTUALLY doing it. I'm actually asking him out and i have nothing.. god for once! it's nice. i really get tired of that feeling.. it's not fun at all ! Well help me out please?! and wish me luck!
-xo Laura♥

plane crash.

You and seven of your friends got into a plane crash.Now you’re stranded on a deserted island ..
Who are the friends?
1. stephanie.
2. gavin.
3. jordan.
4. emily.
5. katrina.
6. becca.
7. kyle.

_ _

- Who caused the crash?
jordan for sure.

- Who screamed?
everyone.. but jordan and kyle were the loudest.!

- Who didn't realize what was happening?
ahahaha me and stephanie.

- Who thought they were going to die?
emily.

- Who hugged each other?
everyone.!

- Who was the calmest?
me and stephanie.. we didn't know what was going on..

_ _

- Who kicked the plane over and over again?
emily.

- Who sat in the sand and cried?
jordan.

- Who laughed?
katrina.

- Who was angrier?
probably me.

- Who was hurt badly?
emily.! she probably tripped over a rock on the beach.!

- Why?
because she's a klutz.

- Who went to look for food?
gavin. he was hungry.

- Who spelled out HELP in the sand?
kyle.

- Who started a fire to keep warm?
gavin. i think he actually knows how to...

- Who sat in the sand and complained?
me and steph.

- Who made everyone laugh?
gavin.

_ _

Three months later ..

- Who rescued you?
montana..

- Who was the happiest to get off the island?
me.!

- Who was going to miss the island?
katrina and becca.

- Who didn't realise they were being rescued?
becca.

- Who didn't want to leave?
becca cause she's a freak.! rofl.

my eyelids grow heavier, but i'll stay up with you anyway!

ok it's 1:57 am, i am sitting here on my bed. lights out. my laptop in my lap. my eyelids feeling like cinderbloks. Even my creative writing skills failing me. i sit here now because of my friend who is pulling an all nighter. she is in south carolina. she is coming home tomorrow but she wants to sleep on the drive. so she needs to stay up now, so she can sleep later. But she can't stay up that long alone, so I'm helping her. we are talking about everything. but mostly boys. duh. it's like a sleep over. it's nesacary! haha. we mostly talked about how she asked out her crush and how she wants me to ask out mine. i told her that i don't want to, but i want him to know that i like him. but i don't want to tell him, but i want one of his friends to tell him. but i have to trust them. she offered to do it.
we decided that she'll tell him on msn, because it's easier. she's going to pretend that she is talking to me. she is going to say something like 'so laura do you still like _____' then like either wait till he resopnds or if he doesn't quickly be like 'oh damn, this is _____ wrong convo!!' then yea.. i'm sure I'll regret this in the morning. but i'd rather him know, than never know at all.. i think.. probably not. but i have to take risks sometimes right ?! :D . I'm so nervous. because i added him on msn too. so he might ask me about it later. well that's ok. i'll just say like 'what?! who told you?!' or like 'um.. what?!' or something like that and if he keeps asking i'll just be like. 'k well it's too late to lie about it now!' then if he's that slow that he has to say like 'so do you ?' i'll be like 'yea...' haha yea I'm just planing it all now!
I hope he likes me too, but i highly doubt it. but i hope he doesn't tell people if he doesn't. i don't want to add to my self embarassment at my school. if he doesn't like me, i don't really know what I'm going to do because the other person i could potentionally like has a girlfriend :( . so i'll be crush-less, thus making me still emotionally attached to my most recent crush/my current crush and driving myself insane about it until i find something better. yes, that's right, if you didn't already know i can't be crush-less. i always have to like someone. i don't know why. it just adds to the stress in my life.. i guess it's kind of like my own scientific notion.. haha well i don't really know what else to say, so i'll just stop writing. only 3 hours till i can go to sleep now :D haha
3:12 am
-xo Laura♥