Cold, Sad and comfused.

I think i'm going to do this blog a little differently than normal. This time all I am going to do is explain the title, because it is my whole day..
C O L D : Today we had track and feild. but it was freezing! It rained all day! everytime i looked at him and saw him looking at me, his eyes pearcing me like razors. just because of the fact that his feelings are competly opposite of mine. why would he like someone like me ? I'm not one of the gorgeous 'flawless' popular girls. well anyway. i was freezing but i had to change out of my pants into shorts, but when i wanted to put them back on, they were soaked. they got rained on. I was so cold. i actually cried. all i wanted was her to ask him out for me so he could say yes.. and hold me in his arms. because nothing is so sweet.
S A D : I decided to change the way that we were going to ask him. i told my friend to ask him if he would ever go out with me. so it wouldn't be as bad if he said no.. Well it worked. He did say no, because he doesn't like me. and i'm not as hurt as i thought i was going to be.. i haven't cried.. yet.. i wish he could just see me for me.. i wish he knew me personally. i wish he would give a loser a chance..
C O N F U S E D : Even though he has given his answer, i'm not sure what to do.. what to think.. I mean, i always catch him looking at me.. maybe it's just me.. I wish he could tell me.. i wish i had the courage to ask.. I don't know what to think about him anymore.. do i still like him ? is it worth it if i do? will he ever change his mind ? is forgeting about him the answer. is letting it get to me any better ? how can you feel so strongly about someone who feels nothing back ? is it true? are the person who you love, and the person who loves you never the same person?

-XO lAURA♥

p.s. I D O N ' T W A N T T O B E L I K E T H A T ! I ' M N O T D O N E H I D I N G A L L O F MY E M O T I O N S . .

steer my life away from thoes thoughts for just two days more..

so if my title wasn't clear, i'm not going to talk about my crush until tuesday..
i love my new house. though i have like no furnature in the house yet, and my ass is always numb from sitting on the floor, it's cool. at my old house we had to make plans like a week in advance to hang out. but now people show up here unexpectedly. it's cool. i live near a lot of my friends. and it's a generally nice house. i don't have a tv in my room yet, but with my laptop i don't really need one. plus i have an imagination to start daydreaming, to get myself into the real thing :) . I love being able to just go out with people. it's like so new to me! there is only one thing that we haven't really talked about, but my brother and i are both in denial about.. it's just a little trust issue.. but it's not a big deal.. we'll see how it is later..
ok sorry this has been so short.. but my desition to cut out a certian part of my blog, i have much less to talk about.. or i'm just to tired to finish writing haha. well i'm out. peace.
-xo Laura♥

genuinly happy.. for one night and one night only.

So to start off this note.. I love love LOVE my new house. when i woke up i was scared for a minute. i was like 'ah wtf?! where am i?! ohhhh yea.!' lmfao. well nothing really happened today till lunch i guess. like every friday we went out for lunch. and the guy i like hung out with us for most of the time.. it was weird, and we even talked..
i wanted to ask him out right then, but i used my better judgement.. and decided not to! my friend cassie also made me emo. she grabbed my wrist and started to scratch it with her finger nail. then it started to heal and they looked like real scars.. and really stung for the rest of the day.. they still kind of do. and she kept saying that i cut myself. and i was like 'ok i have no knife, or razor or anything, and i didn't have them this morning at school ?!' but it didn't matter, cause he didn't stop looking my way.. my friend jack and i got into a fight.. kinda thing.. lmfao. he called me a three dollar mexican prostitute!
well moving on. today was a dream come true.. well almost.. but i think it might end like that. everyone does.. well the people who matter.. It's so nerve wracking, but i'm not nervous.. i'm excited.. like REALLY excited.!! i love looking into his eyes and smiling.. un willingly really, but it's ok. i like it. i like loosing myself in day dreams about him.. even people being dicks if he notices me. i know it sounds pathetic, but i never thought that he noticed me before.. well i knew that he did because he always catches me looking his way.. but it's nice to know that he cares.. i guess i have to explain a little better huh ?
It all started on monday i guess.. in art me, steph and our friend were working in the hall and he guessed who stephanie liked.. and steph was like 'ok now you have to guess who laura likes!!' and he was like 'um.. this school?' she said 'yea' he asked 'grade seven ?' she said 'yea' he asked 'miss o'riley's class' she said 'no' he guessed a few people.. i said no to all of them.. he said his name.. i said no.. he looked at me.. i blushed.. and smiled.. then i laughed and he knew i was lying.. during this time, the classes were changing, but we had a double art, so he was going into our homeroom for science. i looked and he was like right there.. i was bright red, so i went back to work on my art.. my friend made up a stupid nickname that really bugged me. then another one of my friends, the girl in yellow from my earlier blogs, heard it..
well on to wednesday when it really went down. in gifted the girl in yellow and i were talking about it, because one of the other people were saying something about what happened in DVPA and it involved him. and she said the nickname and it was as if time stood still for like 5 minutes.. i felt as though i was going to throw up.. time came back to me and i imediatly pretended that no one heard.. i told her i hated her. and people said that they heard. one told the person who was telling about DVPA something. i forced him to tell me. he asked me if i liked one of my bestfriends!! i said 'hell no!' but he started saying that i did anyway.. someone else asked who i did like, and the girl in yellow wanted to tell him.. but i wouldn't let her.. i would have told him because he is my friend, but i jsut didn't want her to tell him. i called the guy who started telling people i liked my bestfriend a dick and went to the bathroom. in there i ran into one of my other bestfriends and told her what happened and that i was about to cry.. when i got back too class i tried to calm down, but instead i just didn't talk..
when we went outside to practice track and feild i started talking to my friend about it, we were waiting for someone to oppen the door to let us go to the bathroom, cause i didn't want to cry outside.. in front of everyone.. as i tried to explain, waiting for someone to come, he stood befind me. i could hardly tell her with him there. and i didn't want to talk.. i looked at him for just a second.. i really didn't want him to know i was crying.. i saw his face in the reflection in the glass of the door. he was looking at me too. he looked concerned, but who knew he really was ? we got inside, but we had to leave the bathroom.. we had to go back outside.. i had to face them.. i did a couple of laps, but then i just stopped to talk to my friends about what happened. one friend i was talking to was the guy that wanted to know who i liked.. he is really a good friend, and i told him why i was so upset. when he went back to practice shot put, i saw the guy i like look my way once again. he did many times that day.. i didn't want him to see, but he did.
alright, on yesterday.. well last night to be more exact.. as you must know, i am planning on asking him out.. well it's going to be stephanie asking him out for me.. i know that i said i thought that it was lame, but she said that it would be fine, so i trust that.. and it's going to happen on tuesday..
So today in literacy the person who i called a dick told me that he knows that i like him. i asked him how he knew, and he said that the person who wanted to know who i like told him, and that the guy i like told him. and i was kind of like wtf?! why did he tell him.. like did he ask?! and so me and the girls in yellow went up to him and i was like 'why did he tell you?! like did you ask?!' and he was like 'no i didn't ask him, like when i went back with my class he was like 'hey why is laura crying?' and i was like 'um i don't know.' cause i didn't want to tell him and he was like 'oh, well cause i heard she had a crush on me' and yea.' and i just smiled. i was so happy that he asked..!
then when we went out to practice Track and feild again. and i told steph what he said and she said that he'll probably say yes. and i didn't know why and she said that he probably likes me.. and i still didn't know why.. and she said that he wouldn't have asked why i was crying if he didn't care.. i was so happy. i still am! i want tuesday to come FAST!! i just can't wait !!! AHHH!! well i better go now.. time to dream about him :D
-xo Laura♥

how can such a bad idea look like such a good choice?!

ok sorry i haven't been on recently. i haven't had internet cause my ex step dad is a dick. But now we're in our new house. it's so nice, but i don't know my way around it rofl. i walked though the door to the basement thinking it was the bathroom, and i almost walked into the wall thinking i was going into the kitchen. but it's pretty sweet!
so i was hanging out with emily and some other people, but we kinda left them and went to the fire dock, and we both threw notes in the lake. hers was a note about Arden. and mine was a note i wrote in literacy. to no one in geral. a few people read it, but i got it back. It was about the guy that i like. if you don't know the situation already, i am thinking about asking him out..
this is the title. i know that it's a bad idea, but it's looking better and better with every dream i have. but i shouldn't do it cause of a dream right?! but i keep thinking that he might like me.. like i always catch him looking at me. and i'm sure he laughs when i blush. but i don't know if that means anything.. everywhere i look he's there. i can't even look around while oppening my locker without seeing him! everywhere i go i think about him. i don't know what to do..
i would love to date him.. but i don't want to ask him out.. ok i'll spill my secret.. i've never asked someone out before... like i know that i haven't had a lot of boyfriends, but i've never asked any of them out. i don't really want to ask him out in person.. but don't want someone else to do it for me.. that would be so lame wouldn't it?! i mean i can see it now, someone walkes up to him. asks him to go out with me. he looks over at me. i turn BRIGHT red. he thinks i'm a total loser. he says no. that's not good. but i don't want to ask him on msn.. idk why, i just have something against that.. it's just so.. idk.. but like it's not safe.. someone could be there reading the conversation.. or someone else could say yes just to make a fool out of you.. or somone could be lying to make you say yes.. it just doesn't seem good to me.. so what's left ?! phone.. i would feel like a stalker or something if i just knew it and he didn't know how.. so that's the WORST idea. so i guess i'm stuck asking him in person..
so what do i say?! how do i do it without embarassing myself?! i wish i was more bold.. i wish i could just walts on up to him and be like 'hey, do you want to go out with me ?!' but like that would be weird.. cause we're not even friends.. people who say that i should ask him out must not take that into concideration.. but should i just go for it anyway? i mean what do i have to loose?! ahh i want to soo bad.. i really do.. but i couldn't do it alone.. i need my friends there.. if it was just me and him, it would be so awkward!! ok, so that's what i'll do.. with two of my friends.. and i know what two.. don't get offended because you're not one of them.. it's nothing personal.. it's just cause they are friends with him..
ok so that's setteled.. so what do i do when he says no?! do i just walk away?! but i'll cry.. i can't let him see me cry though!! that wouldn't be good! what do i say? just ok? or should i ask why?! i'm sure i would want to know, but i don't want to hear it then.. i'll totally cry.. if i cry that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down! can anyone help me?!
he's so carring, and so cutee! and so funny. he's so cool. and so nice. and not a goodie good. i.. i don't have buterflies saying this.. about me ACTUALLY doing it. I'm actually asking him out and i have nothing.. god for once! it's nice. i really get tired of that feeling.. it's not fun at all ! Well help me out please?! and wish me luck!
-xo Laura♥

plane crash.

You and seven of your friends got into a plane crash.Now you’re stranded on a deserted island ..
Who are the friends?
1. stephanie.
2. gavin.
3. jordan.
4. emily.
5. katrina.
6. becca.
7. kyle.

_ _

- Who caused the crash?
jordan for sure.

- Who screamed?
everyone.. but jordan and kyle were the loudest.!

- Who didn't realize what was happening?
ahahaha me and stephanie.

- Who thought they were going to die?
emily.

- Who hugged each other?
everyone.!

- Who was the calmest?
me and stephanie.. we didn't know what was going on..

_ _

- Who kicked the plane over and over again?
emily.

- Who sat in the sand and cried?
jordan.

- Who laughed?
katrina.

- Who was angrier?
probably me.

- Who was hurt badly?
emily.! she probably tripped over a rock on the beach.!

- Why?
because she's a klutz.

- Who went to look for food?
gavin. he was hungry.

- Who spelled out HELP in the sand?
kyle.

- Who started a fire to keep warm?
gavin. i think he actually knows how to...

- Who sat in the sand and complained?
me and steph.

- Who made everyone laugh?
gavin.

_ _

Three months later ..

- Who rescued you?
montana..

- Who was the happiest to get off the island?
me.!

- Who was going to miss the island?
katrina and becca.

- Who didn't realise they were being rescued?
becca.

- Who didn't want to leave?
becca cause she's a freak.! rofl.

my eyelids grow heavier, but i'll stay up with you anyway!

ok it's 1:57 am, i am sitting here on my bed. lights out. my laptop in my lap. my eyelids feeling like cinderbloks. Even my creative writing skills failing me. i sit here now because of my friend who is pulling an all nighter. she is in south carolina. she is coming home tomorrow but she wants to sleep on the drive. so she needs to stay up now, so she can sleep later. But she can't stay up that long alone, so I'm helping her. we are talking about everything. but mostly boys. duh. it's like a sleep over. it's nesacary! haha. we mostly talked about how she asked out her crush and how she wants me to ask out mine. i told her that i don't want to, but i want him to know that i like him. but i don't want to tell him, but i want one of his friends to tell him. but i have to trust them. she offered to do it.
we decided that she'll tell him on msn, because it's easier. she's going to pretend that she is talking to me. she is going to say something like 'so laura do you still like _____' then like either wait till he resopnds or if he doesn't quickly be like 'oh damn, this is _____ wrong convo!!' then yea.. i'm sure I'll regret this in the morning. but i'd rather him know, than never know at all.. i think.. probably not. but i have to take risks sometimes right ?! :D . I'm so nervous. because i added him on msn too. so he might ask me about it later. well that's ok. i'll just say like 'what?! who told you?!' or like 'um.. what?!' or something like that and if he keeps asking i'll just be like. 'k well it's too late to lie about it now!' then if he's that slow that he has to say like 'so do you ?' i'll be like 'yea...' haha yea I'm just planing it all now!
I hope he likes me too, but i highly doubt it. but i hope he doesn't tell people if he doesn't. i don't want to add to my self embarassment at my school. if he doesn't like me, i don't really know what I'm going to do because the other person i could potentionally like has a girlfriend :( . so i'll be crush-less, thus making me still emotionally attached to my most recent crush/my current crush and driving myself insane about it until i find something better. yes, that's right, if you didn't already know i can't be crush-less. i always have to like someone. i don't know why. it just adds to the stress in my life.. i guess it's kind of like my own scientific notion.. haha well i don't really know what else to say, so i'll just stop writing. only 3 hours till i can go to sleep now :D haha
3:12 am
-xo Laura♥

fake a smile, it makes life a lot easier.. sadly..

it's sadly true. i have been doing this for a long time, but constantly since after lunch today. but I'll get to that later. in DVPA we went outside to play soccer and i was freezing!! well on our way out i looked in his class and like strangely right when i walked past he turned his head and looked out the door. it was weird really. but i didn't mind. when we came back in the door was closed and i didn't even bother looking in. like the first time i wasn't like looking for him. it's just force of habit now. don't know why.
In french we started this weird project, it was so funny though ! we write 5 sentences and they have to be about what we're going to be/do in the future. one of mine is i am going to marry a hot director :D ahaha. mine and steph's are so similar! but oh well. When we were working ms. miner called our class and said that he was coming back and we were all like what?! but when mr. teal said that he wasn't supposed to come i was like GAH i hate you! rofl. in science the people who had everything done got to go to the computer lab, but the people who didn't had to stay and finish. and i just had to finish my case study, so it only took me like 10 minutes. when i went to the lab i was kind of disappointed to not see him out of the class. haha. At recess we were bowling with our friend.. she was the ball and we were the pins. she only knocked me over though :(. but i screamed extra loud just to get him to look my way. ok whatever I'm pathetic.! math: nothing interesting. lunch is when it all started..
we went outside and like no one was out and i was like wtf ?! so anyway they did come out and we were all talking about something graphic lmfao. well when we went to lay on the grass every time i looked his way he was looking back. the got part about catching him now was that he was too far away to see me turn red. i like catching him look my way. it gives me some false hope that maybe someday he will confess that he likes me too. well only in my dreams. well anyway back to today. even though he looked at me a lot, i still talked a little louder and laughed a little harder to keep his eyes glued to me. i know again. pathetic right ? well i just want him to think of me as more than.. what ever he does now.. so anyway we went away from where i could catch him staring at me and that made me sad. so i was urging everyonee to go back to where we were. but we didn't. when the bell rang we walked past him. and the rumor that we heard was confirmed. let's just say that we got some hard evidence.
It really bothered me. i didn't want to believe it was true. but i can't deny the proof.. it's tragic, but it's life. i couldn't stop thinking about it. it kept popping into my mind. it was like nothing i had ever heard, or saw before. i pretended i was alright. even lied to some people about it. i guess that's my own filthy habit. constantly lying to the people i love. lying about my own well being. lying about my secret life. i feel like it's a secret identity. it only comes out every once and a while. it's all of my emotions that i express into drawings that suck and poems that don't make sense and sayings that i would never show a soul.
I had another dream about him. this time it ended in tears. if i haven't been telling you my dreams, let's just say that they are happy usually. ending in what i want to happed. this one on the other hand ended too soon for the end to come. imagine if you will i am standing in front of the intermediate doors at my school. i am standing there with 3 of my friends and the two people who made 2 months of my life suck because they found out who i liked. one of them turns to me and says 'So Laura, who do you like ?' I say 'Like I'm gonna tell you, remember what happened when you found out i liked his best friend?!' I put my hands over my mouth in a hopeless attempt to smother the words that have already slipped from my lips. They look at each other and smile a devilish, cunning grin. at the same time they turn their attention back to me and scream 'Laura, you like _____?!' i look around, everyone has stopped what they were doing and looked at me. I shift my attention to the right where i see him. he too is staring at me. But not like everyone else. he is turning red. Maybe as an attempt to try to cope for my intense mortal embarrassment. I lean my head against the wall, my hands still over my mouth. i repeat to myself 'oh my lord..' in a desperate attempt to wake up from what i wish is just a horrible dream. i have no such luck. it is though time has started again. some people continue their games or conversations. i am still looking at him and he is looking at me. people start to crowd him, probably making stupid jokes i never want to hear. other people start coming towards me. i can't take it. with the shred of good luck i still have, my music teacher walks out of the doors. i run into the school and into the vacant bathroom. My friend follows me. once i find that there is no one in the stalls, i let the warm tears fall freely down my cold, red cheeks. i am a wreck. how did this happen. why  did i let it. why didn't i think. these questions run through my mind, but i don't say a word. i just cry. my friend doesn't push me to talk, she just comforts me. once my waterfall of tears has slowed she suggests that we go back out. i simply say 'I'm not going back out there!' she says 'you're going to have to face them sooner or later!' i choose later, and she respects that choice and we stay until the bell rings. i quickly stop at my locker and tell my teacher i am here before anyone comes in. in gifted i don't say a word unless spoken to. the day is now over. i have escaped it. i get ready quickly and leave with one of my other friends as soon as i could. i don't see him at his locker. this gives me false hope that maybe, just maybe he has to stay after school for some reason. this isn't true. as i leave my friend as she crosses the road i see his unremarkable hat, the wearer, sitting on the bench i have to pass. i hope that he had lent it to a friend, but i know that that isn't true either. like i expect as i pass he stands up and cuts me off. i am not happy. why can't he leave me alone. he doesn't say anything so i simply say 'i just can't avoid you can I?' he looks me in the eyes with a strangely sonsier look. he says 'I just have to know if it's true. Do you like me?' i look up from my shoes where my eyes had lay. i say 'well it's too late to lie about it now isn't it ?' he looks at me in agreement and says 'so you do?' i look at him and nod. he looks down and then our eyes meet one more time. he is just as red as i can feel that i am turning too. no one says a word. but his look says it all. i think that he might like me too, but i can't stand this tense moment in time, and i can now hear his friends not far from where we stand now. i ask 'can i go now?' he says 'yes.' i don't look, but i know that he's watching me walk away. his friends come up to him and say 'what was that all about?' he says 'I just had to ask her something, don't worry about it. Then i wake up..
-xo Laura♥

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