I don't want to end up like Ian Brown.. I can't!

It's kind of funny isn't it? I mean how you can go from loving life, feeling amazing, to hating everyone and being miserable!
It all started last night. only a little after I posted my last blog. He signed on, I checked if my friend was online.. She was too.. It was perfect. I still didn't quite know what to say, but it would happen! and that's all that mattered to me! I felt amazing! She started the conversation. I said noting. He talked. I still said nothing. She said that we had to talk, but i wasn't saying anything. I said a simple 'rofl'. he said he didn't want to talk about it. He left. I was pissed as I'm sure you could imagine! At first I was mad at him. Then her. Then myself. What had I done wrong ? Eventually I started to hate all of my friends. So I got off the computer. I hated my family. I went in my room. I even hated the people on T.V. All I could do was read. Read and read. 'Even if it Kills Me'.  Even tough the book is about anorexia, I just felt like I could really connect to Melanie. I stopped reading a took a shower to clear my thoughts and try to rationalize things. Why did I hate everyone ? The scariest part. I didn't know! I had no idea why I hated everything.I thought, and thought and thought. But it didn't help. It made me more scared! It made me fell alone in the world! I was alone in the world. I had no friends, no one I could turn to. I broke down. I cried! I didn't know why I was crying! It was the lack. The lack of knowing why I was so mad. The lack of friends. The lack of loved ones. The lack of satisfaction! I've read about this in one of my chicken soup for the soul books. Ian Brown woke up one day and hated the world. The same way I had last night. He too was clueless about why he did. Just like I. He ended up in an insane asylum. I don't want to be like that! I'm not that crazy.. am I? I hear people calling my name in dead silence when no one's around! And last night I saw something weird. maybe I was just tired. it was like midnight, but I saw shadows.. making a face. They were mocking me! wtf? The scariest part of it all.. was that I didn't want to stop crying.. I wanted to hate everyone! That's not healthy! I had a dream  last night. I was in french class.  I was telling my friend why I was crying last night. I said "it scared the shit out of me!" really loudly when the teacher came in. He heard me. He sent me into the hall! I sat at my locker. He was sent out too. He was in music class.
I just thought 'oh great!' He said "woah, You got sent out?! why?" I said "Because i swore when i was telling ________ why I cried last night!" "why did you cry?" "because I was really mad at everyone and i didn't know why.. well mostly." "were you mad at me?" "yes" "why?" "Really? Because it's so obvious that you should know!" He didn't get it! he kept bugging me until i started yelling at him. My teacher came out in the hall and made me come back in the class. I woke up. This morning I was still mad. I still didn't know why. But I soon realized that i don't even like some of my friends. I saw him a lot today. I ignored him mostly. I didn't look at him. Every time our eyes met I looked away as soon as I could. I even gave him a dirty look or two. I wanted to to be obvious that I was mad at him. I wanted him to know! I know he does too! I just hope tomorrow when I'm out for lunch I don't hang out with him.
peace..
-xo Laura♥

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