I don't want to end up like Ian Brown.. I can't!

It's kind of funny isn't it? I mean how you can go from loving life, feeling amazing, to hating everyone and being miserable!
It all started last night. only a little after I posted my last blog. He signed on, I checked if my friend was online.. She was too.. It was perfect. I still didn't quite know what to say, but it would happen! and that's all that mattered to me! I felt amazing! She started the conversation. I said noting. He talked. I still said nothing. She said that we had to talk, but i wasn't saying anything. I said a simple 'rofl'. he said he didn't want to talk about it. He left. I was pissed as I'm sure you could imagine! At first I was mad at him. Then her. Then myself. What had I done wrong ? Eventually I started to hate all of my friends. So I got off the computer. I hated my family. I went in my room. I even hated the people on T.V. All I could do was read. Read and read. 'Even if it Kills Me'.  Even tough the book is about anorexia, I just felt like I could really connect to Melanie. I stopped reading a took a shower to clear my thoughts and try to rationalize things. Why did I hate everyone ? The scariest part. I didn't know! I had no idea why I hated everything.I thought, and thought and thought. But it didn't help. It made me more scared! It made me fell alone in the world! I was alone in the world. I had no friends, no one I could turn to. I broke down. I cried! I didn't know why I was crying! It was the lack. The lack of knowing why I was so mad. The lack of friends. The lack of loved ones. The lack of satisfaction! I've read about this in one of my chicken soup for the soul books. Ian Brown woke up one day and hated the world. The same way I had last night. He too was clueless about why he did. Just like I. He ended up in an insane asylum. I don't want to be like that! I'm not that crazy.. am I? I hear people calling my name in dead silence when no one's around! And last night I saw something weird. maybe I was just tired. it was like midnight, but I saw shadows.. making a face. They were mocking me! wtf? The scariest part of it all.. was that I didn't want to stop crying.. I wanted to hate everyone! That's not healthy! I had a dream  last night. I was in french class.  I was telling my friend why I was crying last night. I said "it scared the shit out of me!" really loudly when the teacher came in. He heard me. He sent me into the hall! I sat at my locker. He was sent out too. He was in music class.
I just thought 'oh great!' He said "woah, You got sent out?! why?" I said "Because i swore when i was telling ________ why I cried last night!" "why did you cry?" "because I was really mad at everyone and i didn't know why.. well mostly." "were you mad at me?" "yes" "why?" "Really? Because it's so obvious that you should know!" He didn't get it! he kept bugging me until i started yelling at him. My teacher came out in the hall and made me come back in the class. I woke up. This morning I was still mad. I still didn't know why. But I soon realized that i don't even like some of my friends. I saw him a lot today. I ignored him mostly. I didn't look at him. Every time our eyes met I looked away as soon as I could. I even gave him a dirty look or two. I wanted to to be obvious that I was mad at him. I wanted him to know! I know he does too! I just hope tomorrow when I'm out for lunch I don't hang out with him.
peace..
-xo Laura♥

Blogged with Flock

it may be weird to hear, But I noticed you wern't near..

The title explains it all! rofl. ok, I might have to explain a bit more! But I'll get to that later.. first I'm gonna talk about today. Today was weird.. good.. but bad.. but just.. weird! i don't know how to explain it! Maybe it's just unexplainable.. It was fun.. For once in my life, i felt.. normal.. But that's such a strong word, like love and hate. But like what one. They are totally opposite. So what is 'normal' ? Is it good, or is it bad ?
The oxford dictionary defines normal like this:
Normal:
• adjective conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
• noun the normal state or condition
So is it good? But isn't it bad to be a conformist? Maybe everyone wants to be 'normal' every once and a while. But today I fit in, and that's not something I normally strive for, and I will never fit in like i did today again! It started in gym, we had a suply, the coolest one at that! we were supposed to play basket ball, but my friend and i were talking and we both hate it, so we asked the teacher if we were gonna play it and he said yes. I made my puppydog face, and he asked what we wanted to play. We said floor hockey and since half of the people wanted to play that and the other half wanted to play basketball, we got to play with the guys! and our regular teacher never does that! I was so happy, because violence makes hockey better! you know it! other than one kid who doesn't pass to anyone, it was so fun! I scored 2 goals and my team won! Then in music, i didn't want to play, which is weird for me! Then in french i just didn't want to be there and i wanted to get sent out or something! Math was when I really felt normal. Usually I go to the gifted class, but today i didn't because the teacher wasn't there and there wasn't a supply. So we stayed in the normal class. It was so fun. My crush's best friend/my ex-best friend's bf came into the class and sat right behind me. But we had a supply so he didn't even know he wasn't in our class. He was talking to my friend and all that me and my friend i sit beside could here was them talking. It was really funny! Then he asked to go to the bathroom and we thought that he was going back to class, but our friend said he was coming back. I think he went to his locker to get his blackberry because i noticed it in his pocket when he came back in. Then he took it out and the teacher didn't even notice! Then he had to leave our class because he didn't have a supply and he was supposed to be in the washroom! Then a bit later someone from the other class came in, but the supply he had knew him and came to get him but we were all like "that's not ____, That's Alfred, the new kid, he just looks strangely like ____" rofl. Then I joined the yearbook committee! this is going to be the best one yet!
Anyway I guess now I'll explain the title. He wasn't at school today, and I noticed right away. I can honestly even say I was looking for him. I wanted to ask people.. but that would be weird huh ? I can also honestly say that I was disappointed. Sure I say that I don't like seeing him in school when I blush, but I like seeing him looking back. I like him seeing that I blush, because then he knows I still like him. I like seeing him with his friends so i can hear his voice. I can't get his face out of my head when I'm reading, or his voice when I'm thinking. But I don't mind at all. I replace every other word with his name, and it's annoying at the time, but I know that if this ever becomes more than just a crush, it's just going to be funny..
peace..
-xo Laura♥
p.s. i talk a little louder and laugh a little harder when you're around, just to get you to look my way..♥

Even with the blood rushing through my veins, i still don't feel fully alive.

Ok, this is just a quick blog before bed. Today was weird. my friend who sits with me wasn't there today so i sat alone for science :(. Oh well. We didn't even do much, we watched this video and did this work sheet. It was really easy. In gym we started floor hockey.. it was weird, but i was actually good! I wish we started this before sign ups for intermurals! I totally would have signed up! But with my luck I'd get stuck with a stupid teacher! Or stuck on his team! Well since you brought it up... lol. Ok, it was before science (first period) started. My friends were talking to me and i was off in la la land looking out the door. His class was walking past on their way to music and I saw a bunch of people, and I totally didn't even realize that soon he would pass too. Well he did (obviously)  and I was still staring when he did, and he was looking too. And yet again I looked away first, only it was much faster then the last time! lol. I saw him and it was like everything went all slow motion, you know, like in the movies, then I realized i was probably really red, so I looked away! Not a lot else happened today. Girls inc! It was funny, but nothing 'blog worthy' as one of my friends calls it! Oh another thing happened. I got back my french test and i got 11/20 :O and I asked my teacher if I was failing and he said no, but I could try harder, then he said that I was stupid for taking gifted french next year! like wtf?! I just don't get how you can memorize like 100 verbs! Then in math class these two really annoying grade 7s were trying to get me to wave at them the whole period and like I'm already PMS-ing then I almost fail a french test. I just so wasn't in the mood for them! I almost told them to f**k off! Today wasn't really a good day for me! But things are looking up for tomorrow! I have math in the normal class! good for two reasons! No grade 7s pissing me off, and I get to hang out with my other friends :)!
peace..
-xo Laura♥

If I could have one last wish..

I'd wish that everyday was like yesterday and today.
Today was just like yesterday.. My friend and I went out for lunch recess
and we didn't see anyone else! Then we were playing on the ice and i fell
and hit my head and it hurt! Then I accidently hit my friend in the face lol.
Then Just like yesterday we were freezing! So we went inside and went to
the washroom, got a drink. Then unlike yesterday there were Floor hockey
intermurals, so we checked if the guy I like plays. and he does. I feel sorry
for him cause he has to play on our french teacher's team lol. But he didn't
play today, so we went outside and we went to the little kids for a bit cause
my friend wanted to see this kid she hasn't seen in a long time. Then we
saw this kid who had a fake snowboard and it was funny cause he doesn't
know how to snowboard, and he fell and we laughed at him. Then when
we went to the protapacks, him and some of his friends were playing on
the ice and right when we walked up him and the guy that i was hanging
out with yesterday that DIDN'T get in trouble fell and it was really funny.
When you looked at me I tried to stop laughing for you.. But then you
smiled I knew it was ok..
There were these like grade twos and these grade fives and they were
trying to slide on the ice too. But they wern't allowed so they just watched.
But the grade twos were like attacking the guy I like. Like one was chacing
him and his shoe fell off and the little kid took it and ran away.
I wanted to get it back for you, but it would be weird wouldn't it.. ?
And he was like hopping in the snow! lol. but one of his friends got it for him.
Then he took his hat and tried to run away with it! But they got it back
and when he was walking back all you could hear him say was "This is why
I hate little kids!" rofl it was great! Then we were watching them again 
and talking to them and one of the little kids told him his fly was undone.
But one of his friends took it wrong. rofl then we were joking arround saying
that the gay little boy was checking out his friend. Then we were talking to
him and the little kid who stole his hat and shoe came on the portapack too
and one of his friends picked him up and took him off. it was funny.
But I didn't want you to leave with too..
Then the teachers made all the little kids go away and one of our friends deffiniatly
kicked a little girl! ahahaha !! Then the guy I like fell and really hurt his 
shoulder! 
I hope it feels better!
Then just the other guys were sliding and he was talking to
me and my friend. And then the teacher put salt on the ice but his friends
were kicking it off and one was like taking it and one time he threw it at me,
him and my friend. Then a little after they left and my friend and I were
talking about him and she thinks he likes me too..
Why can't you just let me know ?
Then we were talking to the teachers and my friend was like "______ is like
the best in that group!" and she was like "Yea ______ is a good kid...
Young man.. Why is that who you like" and my friend was like "NO! ______ is
like my best friend!" then she looked at me. lol. it was weird.
But not as weird as not knowing how you feel. It must be weird for you too..
Weather you like me or not, I want to know. If you don't I want to know that 
I shouldn't waste my time on a lost cause, but if you do I want to know that
Im not and that this could be worth all my 'wasted' time.. If only you could
read this.. If only I could work up the courage to tell you myself.. even in person.
Just me and you..♥ 
-xo Laura♥

because it was the weirdest thing..

Seriously. it was the weirdest thing! Today was really weird. And it started right when I got to school.. Ok, well a little 
after, but still really early. Outside of the intermediate doors were
me and my friends usually hang out, well recently like everyone
hangs out there, even him! Well anyway, today there was a lot of
ice and the guys were sliding on it. Well his best friend was sliding on
it and this kid we call "McLovin" cut him off and they colided. It was
actually really funny! But he cut his cheek and we all felt cad for
laughing.. But he was ok. In gym, some of my friends realized that the
teacher treats me differently than like everyone else. Luckily she wasn't
really watching us play our game cause she was playing basket ball. So me
and my friend sat out the first shift. then we played the next one. Then we
sat out for the rest of the period with our other friend cause the goalie on
her team called her a dumb broad.  So the teacher looks over and sees the
three of us sitting out and she was like "_____ have you played yet?" and my
friend was like "yea!" then she was like "______ have you played?" and my
other friend was like "yea!" Then she just glared at me and went back to
playing basketball with the other half of the class. I changed really fast, but i
had a lot of jewlery to put on, so I was one of the last people out. In Music i
really didn't want to play.. I don't know why.. I just didn't. In french I really thought I was going to get a detention with some 
of my other friends, but it was weird cause 4 of us were sitting together
basically. And we were all fooling around (don't be sick, you know what I
mean rofl) and only 2 of got detentions. lol me and my other friend didn't.
i don't know why lmao. Then at recess nothing really happened.. Same
with in math.. Oh my teacher wants me to go in this math compitition cause
it has to be 1 gr. 8 girl, 1 gr. 8 boy, 1 gr. 7 girl and 1 gr. 7 boy. And one kid in
my class was like "It'll probably be me, ____, _____ and Laura!" and I was like
"No!" and my teacher was like "why? you're good at math." But i really hate it!!
Ok, lunch recess is when it gets good. *oh god he just signed on rofl. my stomach
like dropped* Anyway.. Well one of my friends went
home, and a lot were at the mall for choir, and 2 were in the games room, so that
really only left one.. so we were hanging out and then we went to the bathroom
and walked around in the school. Then we left and we were like "where is everyone?" We still don't know where they were.. but w.e. ok so these little 
kids stole our portapack (sp?) so we went to the 'hang-out" *lmao* of last year.
and then we saw him walking with this guy i was really good friends with in
grade 6. then my friend was like "______'s a loser!" and he was like "_______'s
a bigger loser!" and then the guy i used to be friends with was like "am I a
loser?" and my friend was said no, but i said yes! then the guy i like was
like "ha you got a yes and a no.." then he came back towards us and was
like "the little kids won't let us play!" and he hung out with us for a bit.
then I was like "_______'s playing!" and he was like "WHAT?! I hate little
kids! ______ they let you play?" but he was reffing(sp?). Then later he came back and hung out with us for a bit and 
righ before he left my friend was like " you guys are losers cause you have
to wait for the end of the day to go home!" and he was like "how does that
make us losers?" andshe was like "Cause I get to go home at 3:20!" and he
was like "well maybe you'rethe loser!" Then he walked away. Then when we
turned the cornor she was like "see how he stuck up for you?" and I was like
"yea!" But i didn't even think of that before she said it. Then later we saw
him running after some little kid and she was like "______ why are you
chasing a little kid?" and he was like "cause I'm following him!" rofl. it was
great. Then we saw some of the people he usually hangs out with and my
friend was like "well now he's probably gonna go hang out with them soon."
then we started talking about how he didn't walk to school with his best 
friend and how we think they might be fighting.. it was weird.. Then
she went to go find him and ask him and then she came back and she was
like "he thinks he's mad at him!" and I was just like "oh.." Then I guess
they aren't like girls cause we saw them hanging out like 10 minutes after
that. lol. Then when i was on my way to lateracy I was walking alone cause
I was the only grade 8 in the gifted class today since my friend went home.
And i saw him in the hall and I looked back at him and he was looking at me
too.. but I didn't look away.. and neither did he.. It was weird it was like we
were the only people in the halls for what seemed like forever. Then I
looked away cause i almost walked into something rofl. Yea I now. "way to
go laura! Ruin a nice moment!" Then at the end of the day my friends in choir
were back and I told my friend to wait for me cause I had to get a lot of stuff
from my locker. Then she had to put somthing in her locker.. so we were the
only people in the halls. Then when I went to open the door to leave i had
it like 2 inches open and his best friend came running around the corner and
like ran right into the door and I almost screamed! it was hilarious. Then when i
opened the door when he got out of the way, him and one of their friends were
standing there too. and he was like "Hey ____ you ran into a door!" rofl. I was
laughing so hard and so was my friend! Then she was like "Laura you just hit
_____ in the face with a door! You violent little girl! what will ______ think
of you now?" and I was thinking well I bet he'll be thinking about this for a
while so I'm cool with it! lmao!! Ok, so to sum up what I learned today about
him.. is I think (well mostly hope.. but somewhat think) that he likes me too,
just because of what happened in the hall. If he didn't like me wouldn't he
look away first ? what do you think about it ?
peace..
-xo Laura♥

HORRIBLE DAY!!

My gym teacher hates me!!
I don't care if you think that she can't.. But she can 
and she so does!I hate her so much, and I have
since last year when she was my Science teacher. 
She does this thing where she tells us that her class is 
perfect, and how the other class is horrible and how
we're somewhere in the middle and
it's never good enough for her. But then you ask people
in the other class and they say that
she said that her class was perfect, our class is horrible
and their class is in the middle.. like wtf ? She is totally
unbareable. But on top of hating every class but her own
she picks out people who she is going to torment for the
whole year! I'm one of thoes luckey kids! I can't stand it! I
hate gym. I liked it last year when we had a cool teacher.
But she made it so unfun! When she's picking people to be 
on teams whenever she picks me and one of my friends,
she glares at us! I have told her many times that I hate gym
and I don't like the way she teaches us.. oh I'm sorry, did I
say the way she teaches us? My mistake I ment the way she
screams at us! She's such a bad teacher! Ok, so the reason
I hate her extra today is because we were playing this messed 
up version of Dodge ball and before we started me and my
friends were talking cause she was explaining it to people who
didn't know how to play, but we did. So we were talking about
what happened at our friend's birthday party and she looked
at us and she was like "Laura and *friend's name*, I am sick
of seeing you two talking in my class about what you did on
the weekend. I don't care. Talk at recess!" and I was like "Well
tough I don't care how to play this  stupid game! I'd rather talk
to my friend thanks!" But I said it quietly, not actually intending
for her to hear it, but I thin she did anyway cause she
looked back at me and Glared like she always does! Then when
we were playing european hand-ball (which if you dont already
know, is the most pointless game ever invented!) I was on the
'pinnies' team. And she was just like "ok it doesn't take 20 minutes
to get 6 people and a goalie on pinnies!" even though it was like 20
seconds and people were still getting their pinnies! Then really loudly I
was like "K I'm off!" But I always do! And i looked at her and she
glared like alwaysand I gave her the snottiest look I could. Then 
when she was like "ok subs on!" I was like "do I have to go on?" and
she was like "uh yea!" So i went on and.. well walked around in protest. Then when she was like "ok subs on!" again I was like 
"FNIALLY!" and she was like "ok Laura you're on again!" and I
was like "You're kidding?!" Cause I hate this game and she 
knows it! and she was like "No Laura, I'm not kidding! Just
because you put forward such an effort last time!" and I was like
"oh yea! cause I just LOVE this pointless game!" Then when we
were playing she my friend threw me the ball, which has to stop
cause she always does, and I just pushed it out of the way! Then in the snottiest voice I have ever heard a teacher talk in 
she was like "nice try Laura!" I seriously wanted to take her out!
Then when we were changing I was too mad to say anything other
than "She hates me!" To my friends! I got changed quickly,
but that wasn't a good idea cause I was stuck with her in the hall.
Then in french after recess our class was really loud and un organized.
My friend and I both had our feet up on a chair and we were talking
waiting for everyone else to shut up. Then he yelled "GET TO YOUR SEATS
AND BE QUIET!" Then we both took our feet off the chair and they hit the 
floor at the same time and it was funny so we started to laugh! Then he
glared at us too and we imediatly stopped laughing and we were afraid to 
for like the rest of the period! I seriously suddenly don't get french. I failed my reading assesment and got 50% on a test ! ok So the whole deal with
the guy I like... minnor problem.. The friend who is supposed to help isn't
going to go on the computer for a week!!so like the first day she gets back
on we better do this as per my prommis! on this topic I saw him like 5 million
times today. It really wasn't fun cause my friend is pretty good friends
with him and she was talking to him in the hall like right in front of my locker
cause she was waiting for me and our other friend to go to girls inc. and it
was akward cause I was ready and he was still there, and since he found
out I like him we haven't talked at all! So I just pretended that I was still
getting stuff. And when we left the school he was litterly RIGHT THERE! it
was scarry. Oh also in Literacy, we are reading this book called Pollyanna. But when I was reading I kept replacing the name 
Pollyanna with his name. Then I would have to stop reading for a second and just clear my head, but everytime before I
could I would picture this spasific picture of him.. Then I could go back to work. This happened like 20 times. It was so weird. And last night I had so 
much on my mind that I couldn't get to sleep till like 2 am! I hope that I can sleep tonight!! But I AM going crazy! maybe it's the 
lack of sleep. The fact that I can barley eat anymore! No I'm not annorexic, it's just that when I try to eat if I eat too much (and that's not a 
lot) I feel like I'm going to puke! I don't know what it is.. but there is just
too much stress right now! I think I'm going to crack soon! I hope I don't 
become what I used to be again.. 
peace..
-xo Laura♥

Oh My God.. Some one set me straight!!

If you are keeping track, I like a boy, and I have been trying to have this conversation with him that I
know is going to be very akward, but it has to happen.! All I need is for me, him and one other person
to be on MSN at the same time.. so that has only happened twice since we've been trying to get this
conversation started. once a while ago, but it didn't happen because I chickened out! And once (or maybe
twice) yesterday. but It didn't happen because my friend was too stressed already to have to deal with
this too. I am really getting tired of this. There are plenty of times where me and him are on msn at the
same time! But I don't think I can start it! And he doesn't even know that we are planing this! And there
is no way in hell that we are going to do this in person! But this is really getting old. I think I'm going to
give it like a week.. then I'm just gonna start it.. wow.. I can't beleive I even said that!! Well I guess
that now I have to keep that prommis.. and on top of that one I'm also going to prommis that I will NOT
chicken out!! Wow, this is going to be really weird.. I know it sounds so weird comming from me of all 
people... but I think that this might be more than just a crush.. I mean with other poeple I've liked It's been easy to talk to them, and I would always say
that they are 'so hot!' or something equally lame.. but with him it's different. When ever I see 
him sign on msn I get butterflies and I feel sick.. but in a good way.. and going on about how
hot he is just isn't someting I'd do with him.. It's a weird feeling.. but I know it's not love. I mean it
can't be. Could you even know this soon? No! That's rediculious! How could I even think that.. ? But say I was thinking that.. is
it possible ? could you have that feeling.. before you were even dating? No! You can't.. right? Oh god!
Now I'm so confussed! Please, someone tell me I'm going crazy!!
peace..
-xo Laura♥

ok, there is a story behind why I'm posting this..

ok so as I'm sure you know, I have myspace, and you can blog on there, but I'm deleting all of my blogs,
but I just love this and I don't want to loose it! I posted it in September just so you know..

There are a lot of people out there that would make a friend 5 times better
than you, but i wouldn't give you up for any of them!

-you know me so well you could write a book about me, and wouldn't leave any of the bad stuff. And then
people can stop the roumors.

-I can always count on you to come up with a new way to make my life at school miserable. And that makes
me look forward to the future much more that i alread do.

-sometimes you are so unbearable, annoying, mean or truley horriable you make me want to scream. And
then we have something to talk about for the next 60 years.

-I have so many reasons to hate you . And that's what makes it intreasing.

-I'm always happy when the other kids make you miserable. And then I feel special because I'm the only
one you'll talk to.

-You always steal my camera. And then you take that breath taking picture I've been trying to get
for ages.

-you will bring me somewhere with one of my biggest frears. And then you tell me the only thing to fear
is fear it's self.

-whenever I have to talk to someone, I always have to think about everyone that I concider telling first,
except for one person. You, I can tell you anything and never regret it!

Rome wasn't built in a day and our friendship is still growing,
after almost 4 years. Everything horrible we do to eachother
is always for the greater good. I love you like family, and this
year apart is killing me! But as long as we go thew it one day
at a time it'll go by like nothing!

You always remember quotes by thoes who love, lothe and admire. And
trust me, I quote you all the time!

Now even though the person who this is about doesn't have myspace, I wanted
you, my readers (if I even have them) to know, and if you know my friends,
guess who it's about, even if you can't still comment and show your love!

No Worries, I'm going to post again tonight.
-xo Laura♥

homework gets in the wa of EVERYTHING !

ok. so he was just on.. but only for like a minute. Ok, so I'll walk you though it like usual.
I am  sitting at the computer like usual. Only this time i am finishing my math homework when
i hear that annoying noise. I look up. I see his picture. I read his name. Nothing special. I get
ready for the conversation. 'On second thought.. let's stall' I think. I ask my friend if it can wait 
till I finish my homework. I'm almost done anyway. What would it hurt. I finish quickly. I look at
my msn page. He's not on any more. I get kind of mad. If it wasn't for this stupid homework I might 
actually find something out. 
I am well aware that he is out of my league, and that even if he does
like me (which is unlikley) if he is anything like the people he hangs out with, hw wouldn't ask me out.
I get it. It's stupid. But I get it. Nothing seems to change. The one thing that I seriously don't get 
is that he always sees me in the halls, and I always see him, and we look at eachother. And it
seems like something is supposed to be. Like something is there. We are just not
going to admit it. Maybe not even accept it. But I think he knows it too. No one else does.
Just us. When ever we are in the halls going to our classes, or outisde, or home or
whatever people can be talking to us, and we still take the time to look. 
Does that mean something? Or is it just me? I'm not sure, but I don't think that that could be a
councidence(sp?)! Even when we are surrounded by a group of people each, our eyes some how
always seem to meet. This must mean something..
I think that if he ever read this I would be devistated lmao.
Ok, tomorrow I'm sleeping over at my friend's (hopefully the conversation will happen) so I won't blog.
So have a nice friday!
peace..
-xo Laura♥

Let's just get this over, you and the only person who can make this less akward.

Ok, I was happy when I didn't have to have this akward conversation with him.. but it seems that everytime
he's on, the only person who will actually start the conversation is always away or something like that. I kinda
don't want this conversation to happen... but I don't want it to not happen.. does that make sence? If so,
you must really understand me.. or you've been in the same situation. If not, I'll explain..
Imagin if you will, you are a thirteen-year-old grade 8 girl. You are not one of the biggest losers in the the
school, but you're not popualr either. You are somewhere in the middle. You don't want to be popular, but
you don't hate the people who are. You have great friends and you love your life. Then at your friend's going
away party, you find out that a popular grade 7 thinks you're pretty. you have never thoght that way about
him before, in fact, you never really thought much about him before. you think 
it's kinda cool, but don't think much about it. ok, now let's fast forward about a month. You realize that you have feelings for this guy. You don't know
what made this happen. you don't know why suddenly you feel this way, all you know is that you do. The next
day you tell two of your closest friends, because you know that you can trust them. Later that night after an
after school club that you go to, you tell another one of your friends that you like him. The next day the same
two people who told you that this boy thinks you are pretty a month ago told you that he likes you. You are
happy. But you aren't thinking right. you think it would be cool if you told them that you like him too knowing
that they would tell him imediatly. you don't want to tell them, so you let some of your friends do it for you.
but you start thinking, What if they lied, who else would find out, why is this a good idea? you look around
the corner. you see him with his friends. you decide this isn't a good idea. you tell your friends not to say a
word. one listens, the other doesn't. she says it really loudly. you look around the corner at him and you see
him turn. you think he heard it. he catches your eye. you look away. you look back to the popular girls. they
look at eachother. you see in their eyes that in only a matter of hours everyone would know. You are scared
now. They turn back to you and ask if you really like him. It's too late. you can't lie now. It's over. Let's fast
forward about 2 weeks. you know that he knows. It's so obvious. But just incase one of your friends tells you
that they would ask him is he knows that you like him. he does. Then she asks him if he likes you. he says
no. you try to get over him, but it just doesn't work. fast forward about another week. you tell your friend
that you still like him a lot. He seems to be everywhere you look. Even helping in your classes. Your friends
tells you that he probably lied to her. Now you don't know if he likes you or not. You and your friend both think that you and him need to talk, but you
are 13. you're chickening out so your friend offers to be in the conversation too. One day you realize that it
has to happen. you even want it to.. but it has been put off for like 4 days. you start getting frustrated. you
know that this is going to be akward but you have to know how he feels. But you don't want to hear that he
doesn't like you back.
What a delema. What do you do? How do you make this work? How do you get
them both on at the same time?
I'll let you know when this happens.
peace
-xo Laura♥

omg I'm scared :S

Last night was supposed to be the big akward conversation, but Luckily  *my friend's* friend was on her instead of her when he was on.. so it didn't happen : ). Oh i got my new, new phone :) and i can text !! Last night i had to do like a month's worth of geography homework cause of a big mouth in our class told our teacher that me and my friend are like 7 weeks behind. Thanks man, thanks. Great so moving on to today.. so we were supposed to have a playing test.. but i am so not ready!! I can't play rock around the clock! But luckily.. well from one point of view... we have HPV shots today, so we can't do the playing test. Hey that also means I don't have to do my french porject :).. K so it's good
for two reasons.. but it's still horrible!! last time i cried.. and you know haw bad something has to be to make ME cry!! So yea I'm worried!! K great, so yea I probably should go soon, you know get ready for 
school and all that stuff.
peace
-xo Laura♥

aww damn guys.. it didn't work..

ok, so i had this whole plan to do today. It's his birthday.. (happy birthday) lol. I decided that we HAD to talk about this. so the convo was gonna go something like this..
Me: Hey, Happy birthday
Him: Thanks
Me: np
Him: so you still like me?
Me: yea.. well for a bit i thought i didn't when *my friend* said you didn't like me. but then
she confussed the hell out of me and said you probably lied to her..
Him: *confesses his true feelings*
here's how it really went..
Me: hey. happy birthday
Him: thx
Me: np
...*convo ends*
haha. ok, so my plan made sence at 11 o'clock last night! lmao. yea i knew it wasn't gonna work,
but w.e. Then *my friend* tried to get the convo started... it was just me, her and him.. I left.
haha yea ok I'm a chicken. so tomorrow *hopefully* we'll try this again.. and I won't leave.. but
tonight and tomorrow at school we have to think of what I'm supposed to say! haha. I know, I'm probably way too hapy for this convo right now.. 
but w.e. I'll keep you posted! haha.
oh another side note: Thought you should hear mine and my friend's theorry. you'll laugh. ok so
we're in science and we finished out quiz. and so we're looking at stuff under the microscope. and we have this pink
stuff and she's like "it kinda looks like blood" and I'm like "yea only pink! it's alien blood! They have
aliens in japan and they just discuise them as aliens!" then at they same time we're like "PANDAS!"
and she's like "god damn pandas are aliens!" haha. then we were joking about how smart we are and
how jelous everyone's gonna be when we go right to university! bahaha. good times!!
Peace
-xo Laura♥
p.s. Steph *panda's come a'running* lmfao

waiting for you is like waiting for rain in the drought..

haha. ok so since I'm tired of waiting for him to sign on.. I'm just gonna post about that later.
Right now I have something else on my mind. So my friend likes one of my other friends, and
she's been getting me to find out who he likes for her. Well I've been doing this for like a
month. then today I told him that I would tell him who likes him if he tells me who he likes..
so I ask him a bunch of questions and one of them was "is she popular?" and he was like "um idk.. they're _________ and _________." and
neither of them were the one who was trying to figure out if he likes her. So I already felt bad about it.. Then he said "ok so who likes me?" and I 
him that it's neither of them. but he really wanted to know. I begged her to let me tell him.
but she said no. and he told me if i didn't tell him he would never tell me again! So i felt REALLY BAD.
Then she finially said i could tell him tomorrow.. then when she signed off. and i told him and he was
like "ok.." then I told her to just block him and she did and I finially got to tell him and i felt so much
better.. Then he was like "omg i already knew that" :| WHAT? All of this and you already knew?
wtf is that? lmao. so now we're all good again. and I know his middle name :) lmfao.. well that is
before I changed it!! aww that's great! haha. so I feel better.. for now that is.. until i talk to 
they guy i like. :S.. but I'll worry about that later.
oh and on a side note: I was talking to Joe Jonas (well might be him.. who knows) and nick said hi.
and now I'm talking to Selena Gomez (if it's really her) but she went on web cam for me to show me her
and her friend's handshake from when they were 8 lol.
Peace
-xo Laura♥

at 11:11 what do you think i wished for.. ?

ok, so when I woke up, i had a really bad headace. And so I decided that life is too short to let
some 'has-been-secret' crush bother me anymore. so I added him on msn... and I thought i would
feel better about this... ok, so I'm wrong alot.. I think it would have been better if i wasn't
fighting with the chick who made this a living hell! I wish i could just make everyone forget
about this.. I guess it's really weird now that i have him on msn.. cause we both could talk to
eachother.. but it seems like neither of us want to.. well I want to... but i just can't.. idk why..
but i just cant.. maybe he feels the same way.. God why can't teenagers just be oppen about this
stuff? why can't they walk up to someone and say that they like them or not? why is this so hard?
I know that when we were just kids, we would always be honnest. I know that we can walk up to someone we don't know at all and talk to 
them..but why can't we walk up to someone we have known for a while
and be honnest ? I don't get it.. but it's really not easy. seeing my conversation with him at the bottom
of me screen really makes me want to just oppen it and tell him how i feel. and that I want to know
how he feels.. but something is stopping me.. Is it the fear of embarassing myself or the fear of his
answer or the fear that he will know how I feel or the fear that he will lie? or is it something else. Is it
just human impuls to keep the truth hidden from the person who it matters to the most and just leave
it all up to destiny? well if everyone did this, nothing would ever happen. But does that mean that you
need a middleman? Great. so two choices. Come over the great fear of... well who knows what.. or
get someone involved. That's good. yea. So what one is slightly less humiliating? Why is this so hard?
the choice should be obvious.. well yes.. of course it is. Middleman because it's easier.. but they might embarass you more than you already were. so tell him because it's more
couragous.. but I might embarass myself even more. well well well. we're right back were we started
aren't we? do you ever wish you were someone else? well just for a few minutes you know. Just to make
your own life a little easier. Why am I so bad at life? Why does my life hate me? what did I ever do to it? This is retarded! This shouldn't be that hard.. so why is it? Why is 
there this wall? I'd rather someone be brutally honnest than sensitive!
-xo Laura♥

story of my life..

I just made myself really depressed.. I was looking at all of my old pictures.. then i decided to look at my old piczo site.... then my friend's.... then another. Then finially I just couldn't take it anymore. When did everything start changing? Why did it change? Why can't things be like they used to be? I hate how everything is changing, and I'm just left behind in the rubble that used to be commonly remembered memories..
I guess you could say that this all started in french class. me and my friend noticed how one of our friends has changed, and we're both kinda pissed at him.. Then on facebook one of my friends posted pics from grade 7 at her school, so i decided to look at the ones i took last year. and then I got depressed. I liked how everything used to be. But at the same time i hate what i used to do. I admit it, i used to start stuff to cause fights between my friends and I feel horrible about it now. So I'm so sorry to everyone that I have ever messed with. But I'm also sorry that I don't want to forget the past. I know that looking back isn't what I'm into, but right now, i know why. But I think everyone has to except it one day or another. That eveything, everyone is changing. and you might not be ready for it, but it's going to happen. And with me not going to high school with the same people next year, a lot is going to change. Yea, I hate it! But let's face it. it's enevdiable! I don't want to forget, but I'm going to. I want to go back, but I can't. And most of all, I want things to stop changing, but they wont. I always knew that this day would come, but I didn't want it to be so soon. I'm just not ready to let go. And I wish everyone would understand, but I know they wouldn't..
I know that every good director has a breakthough... but I always hoped that mine would be a lot happier..
-xo Laura♥

& the knots in her stomach never seem to go away..

Hey guys! so yesterday was a snowday. I know, we should have been happy, but no. Not many people were. Yesterday was supposed to be Electives. I was supposed to go to circus school, and I was so stoaked! I was pissed when I found out it was a snowday! But I didn't have a bad day. I payed with my new cell! I thought that yesterday would be one day that I wouldn't think about my crush.... ok, so I was wrong... But w.e. I'm still waiting to find out if he likes me... and I'm so confussed about it all!! Ok, so on to today. We had a suply for drama and science. And she was an idiot! ok, so in drama we also have D.V.P.A. So when we were moving our desks out of the way apparently we were 'too loud' so the principal came down to our class to cancel D.V.P.A. Then we had to do this thing for drama... and she totally didn' explain it to us and so we didn't get it. like we had to make a scene from this script we got, but it was so dirty! especially with three people lmfao! but we had fun! 
In french two of my friends were fighting so much. it was so funny. and 
when i got bored I drew emo love!! If you haven't seen it I'll show you if you want! In science the work was really easy and me and the friend i sit next to finished quickly and we were playing arround with the microscpe. Then, Finially it was recess and I gave my friend my old cell. And it wasn't even 10 minutes till she got it taken away! haha, i had mine with me for the first three periods. Me and two of my friends also did Zap. The guy friend that played with us was "I'm a horrible hoe." My Girl friend who played was "You hoe!" and I was "you bitch!" haha. if you don't know what zap is, it's this game where you write 'zap' on some one's had along with something that they have to say, then every time you say their name they have to say it! Ok, well anyway, at lunch i mostly hung out with one of my bestfriends, but we also hung out with the guy i like, and it was weird :S... and I had like major butterflies. it wasn't fun!! Luckily we were running arround so much that (i hope) 
no one really noticed!! well after school i found out that something is wrong with my cell and i have to get a new one :( and I can't text till I do!! Well I have to go now.
peace
-xo Laura♥

High School.

Ok, so this is gonna be quick, cause it's like 10:15 and I still have to have a shower before bed. So today we had science, no big deal. Then we had gym and at the end our teacher (like always) was banging on the door and I screamed "THAT DOESN'T MAKE US GO ANY FASTER!!!" and when we finially came out we had to wait like 5 minutes to even leave the gym!! So we were all like wtf? why were you rushing us?! So when i was leaving i walked past her and said "she's such a bitch!" I really home she didn't hear me lol then i walked past some little kids and i was like "oh god i hope the little kids didn't hear me!" and my friend said "oh it's ok, I said fucking bitch in grade one." then i turned arround and i was like "um Mr. Wideman is right there" lmao!! he was eriously like 2 steps behind us!! Then we went to pancake tuesday at knox! it was fun, but I only had one pancake and no bacon. Some people had like 3 or 4 :O! lmao well we were talking about this juice we made at our friend's party last year and it was water, gingerale, orange juice, mountian dew and Maple syrup! it was so good. so we decided to make something like it. it was water, chemical crap (table syrup if you don't know) and mcdonald's orange juice. it was good too, but everyone was getting grossed out! then these grade 7's sitting near us had water and a lot of syrup! I mean like so much! it was brown!! haha. it was good too :)! well then we were in french and i didn't have anything to do so me and my friend were asking out french teacher questions about religion! lmao. well the rest of the day wasn't that intresting, so I'll skip right to the fun part. I went to my future (sp?) high school! it's so nice, and i got to hang out with one of my bestfriends! it was really cool! oh and for you who are keeping track, i did avoid him as much as i could today. But he ran into in the hall and I just caught up with my friends so he wouldn't nitice if I blushed AGAIN!!!
Peace
-xo Laura♥

the note

oh shit I think I like him..
This is what the note started with. Alright, I'll fill you in a little bit. Last night I had another dream. I don't really remember it, but all I know is that something made me like him again. Then today he came into the art room when our class was there. I think i started blushing cause he looked at me an smiled so i covered my cheeks, but i think that made it worse. I think he knows.. I started writing my friend a note. She told me that I might be meant to like him, but he told her that he didn't like me.. so what's the point. Then she told me that he might have lied to her and that he wouldn't admit it to her. So she's going to ask his bestfriend. Then at recess I was telling one of my other friends about how i was blushing like mad when he came in the room, and she said i was turning red then too. When we went outside my friend who i wrote the note to was leading me towards him, but i wouldn't let her. At lunch I went to the art club.. even though I'm going to quit soon. but I really had to study for my geography test, and I wouldn't have to see him. So I took a practice test.. and failed, haha, but i decided not to study much more, and some of my friends helped me with the answers. Near the end me and my friends were showing some of our guy friends our paper mache duck, when some of the more popular guys started comming over. Him included. He looked me in the eyes and I thought it was sweet... until I noticed that I was blushing again!! He was just smiling at me and I quickly got off the window seat and practically ran to the other side of the art room.. At the end of the day, once again, our eyes met and I was blushing. I hope tomorrow I can avoid him as much as possibe.!
Can you find out for me?
I'll try..
That is what the note ended with..
-xo Laura♥

quick blog..

Alright since I didn't blog yesterday, I thought I'd make a quick one before I go to school! But before I stert I have to add onto my blog from saturday as per a comment I got on it. On february 14th we also celebrate S.A.D (Singles Awarness Day) Alright, back on track.. yesterday was really fun... I actually had fun with my family :O. I wasn't on the computer much, I was helping arround the house, and just hanging out with my mom, step dad and their friends. As you probably know, the super bowl was yesterday... yea i didn't know till my family told me either. Well my step dad went to a party at his friend's house, but my mo decided to stay home.. now don't ask me who won... or even who played.. Because we didn't watch it at home!! we kinda hate football! But we watched Catch that Kid on YTV and we made dinner, and just hung out for a bit. then we watched extreme makeover: house Edition and the guy went into a little girl's room with a manican with a bra on.. we were curious.. but it was just a manican for her clothes! After my mom went to bed we watched Dirty Jobs! I love mike row! he's my hero! And on one episode when he was at a tennery (ew it was so gross) there was this guy there that reminded me of my second oldest brother. He could make a joke and keep a straight face! It was really funny! I aslo talked to my bestfriend who doesn't go to school with us anymore! It was really funny, but now the next time i see him he has to give me a lamb, and i have to give him a muffin! haha. you wouldn't get it if you tried! Well we have a geography test today, and i forgot to studdy! oh well , i knew i was going to bomb it anyway! Some really good bands added me on myspace, 2 yesterday and one this morning! look them up on myspace (don't worry, even if you don't have it you can listen to their music) Forever Always, Me vs Hero and Save your breath! Well i better go get ready for school.
peace..
-xo Laura♥

Nothing special..

Along with my new outlook on life, I've also decided to get a new style. Life is too short to hold back who you really are. I'm scene, and Finially I'm going to start dressing like it. Now, if you go to school with me, don't expect me to be different by monday. My wishlist is from hot topic, so before I can dress differently, I'm going to need money, and my mom's permition to use her credit card to buy online. On my search for a new look, I stumbled upon a band t. I've heard of this band before, but I've never heard any of their music,
so I looked them up on myspace, and now All Time Low is my Favourite 
band! Since it's nearing valentines day now, the featured band on 
hottopic.com is bullet for my valentine. I have heard of them too, and 
even used to listen to them, so I also got some of their music. Now, on
the subject of Valentine's Day, I want to know if you celebrate it? I don't.
It's just another meaningful holiday that corperations have mutated to
something that make people feel lonley and depressed. Sure people think it's fun to hand out little cards to their friends
at school, and yea it's funny to see what Valentines people got. But I'd much 
rather Celebrate anti v-day. Some of my created a less hating alternative to
Valentine's Day. It's called FADWAH (Friend Apprecation Day With Awesome Hugs)
It's cute, and there's a group about it on facebook. look it up!
Alright, I think that's about all I have to day for now, seeing as basically all I
did today was shopping online! But yea, I suggest you look up Six Feet Under
The Stars and Dear Maria Count Me In both by All Time Low and Tears Don't
Fall and Scream Aim and Fire both by Bullet For my Valentine. If you like these 
songs and don't know what else is good by them, just comment and I'll let you know ( : !
Peace..
-xo Laura♥

Sudden Realization

When I woke up and I looked in the mirror and the weirdest thing happened I liked what I saw. I knew that I could look better, but it didn't matter because I wasn't really going to see anyone today. And then it hit me. I didn't do what I did for me. I did it for everyone else. I realized that I've spent too much time doing my hair until it was almost perfect, picking the clothes that I would never wear because it doesn't go with my style and hiding parts of the real me because it's not cool. But who really cares? I know that a lot of people say it, but how many people really don't care what other people think of them? But who really cares if people don't think the music you listen to is 
cool, or if you don't look perfect. And one little zit isn't the end of the 
world! I found out last night that I still do like someone who doesn't 
like me, but I don't care who knows. And I don't care what people say 
about me. it really doesn't matter , because the people who do that
are the people who spend forever trying to look amazing for everyone
else. If you take a bad picture, don't look at it as a bad picture, look
at it as a fun memory. Don't look back on things and feel like an idiot
for what you did. Well I guess that's all i have to say for now.. have a
good weekend, I might blog, but idk yet. Paece..
-xo Laura♥